BERSAMA
📃. selamat ulang tahun untukmu, edisi #O6
[ written by: KekepUC ]
It’s funny to think that three years ago I wrote you an unfinished birthday message that I named “CANTIK” then proceeded to tell you that I owe you something after labelling it as “hutang” because I cannot finish it properly.
I thought that, at the time, part of me would always remember you as the girl who preferred standing slightly behind everyone else — as the quiet one, the awkward one, and the one who somehow managed to look calm while being internally five different kinds of panicked.
I remember spending so much time trying to explain to you that being beautiful didn’t have to mean fitting into whatever definition people had made for you — mengingat di waktu-waktu itu kau kerap merasa berbeda dan menghilangkan dirimu di beberapa kesempatan.
I tried so hard to telling you by writing this thing, but it never finished. And then somehow along the way, you changed.
Not completely. Not all the time. You still do have your moments — still get awkward, still overthink, still occasionally retreat into that familiar little shadow of yours. But now you also laugh louder, do things you probably wouldn’t have dared to do years ago, and somehow seem much more willing to let the world see you exactly as you are.
It’s a little strange to realize that I’ve known you for eleven years and I’m still getting to meet new versions of you. And I know that I need to rewrite my messages to you because I don’t think I need to explain that anymore.
I used to think I had something to teach you about accepting yourself. Now I’m watching you do it better than I do, and believe me — aku bangga banget bisa nyaksiin kamu sampai sejauh ini, ‘Tiw.
Somehow, you’ve become much better at being yourself than you used to be, and maybe that’s the funniest part about growing up: sometimes the things I once wished you would learn are things you’ve already figured out for yourself.
Selama nulis ini aku juga baru sadar, ternyata di tengah semua pertumbuhan itu, hidup tuh beneran draining banget, yah. I feel like being a shitty friend now because I can’t take any parts in that process of yours and just watch you processing your life from the sideline.
Ada orang-orang yang membuatmu capek lah, ada hal-hal yang harus kamu hadapi sendirian lah, dan ada juga hari-hari ketika aku tahu kamu sedang berusaha keras, sementara dari tempatku — aku bahkan nggak selalu tahu harus melakukan apa.
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Dan mungkin, itulah bagian dari adulting yang paling nggak terlalu kita bahas bareng dulu: kita sama-sama sibuk mengejar hidup masing-masing, tumbuh ke arah yang berbeda, dan hanya tahu mengenai kehidupan masing-masing tatkala jaringan telepon dari grup WhatsApp tersambung.
Sebelas tahun ya, ‘Tiw, kita udah temenan, and I sincerely hope that this distance we’ve found ourselves in as part of growing up like this won’t erase the friendship we’ve shared over these past eleven years, ya ‘Tiw…
I may not always be there at the right time, and may not always know when to show up, or when to ask, or when you’re actually in need of someone. And for every time I was late, or absent altogether, I hope you’ll someday understand that my absence was never a measure of how much I cared.
This is not only a justification (please believe me); I was only learning how to grow up, just as you were.
And perhaps this is where I’ll allow myself a little selfishness: I hope we can keep learning together.
Not by trying to become who we used to be, nor by forcing ourselves to stay as close as we were back then. Quite the opposite, really. I want to see us change, time and time again — building our own lives, meeting new people, chasing things we haven’t even imagined today — only to find ourselves sitting together years from now, looking at one another and thinking, “Oh… ternyata kamu masih kamu, ya…”
This would sounds like an empty talk, but please believe me that I’ll always care when it comes to you — and our other twelve.
I want to always be with you until the end, knowing we grow, but we’ll not be apart even though we’ve already changed.
Jadi, untuk Mutia Tiwi yang sekarang — way braver than before, way more beautiful, way more mature, way more certain of who you are, and somehow still the most pretty yet chaotic human being with the awkward face on the planet…
— happy birthday, sweetheart.
I have no idea who you’ll become in the years ahead. Aku mungkin nggak selalu tahu kapan kamu butuh aku dan aku mungkin bahkan nggak selalu tahu bagaimana caranya datang.
But I hope, somehow, I’m still around to witness your newest version of you, ya, ‘Tiw.
Salam sayang temanmu,
- K.
