Dear Everyone Everywhere
My True Confession of a Scandal Not Even Donald Trump Could Get Away With
Dear Everyone Everywhere,
I’m leaving. This is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I know I have to do it. I’m changing my identity and moving somewhere they don’t even speak English: Scotland.
I just can’t show my face in public here anymore. I’m too ashamed. Don’t try and convince me to stay. There’s no going back from what I’ve done. I already binge-ate both gallons of ice cream in my freezer, thinking comfort food might make me feel better. It didn’t. I felt sick. That’s when I knew I had no choice but to leave everything behind: regrets, half-digested ice cream, friends, and all.
If you don’t know what all this is about, you’ll probably see it on the news or Joe Biden’s X. I can’t bring myself to write about it now. Too painful.
Fine, I’ll tell. I was in line at Burger King. Classy place. Not like those deadbeat Wendy’s.
I was having a difficult time deciding what the healthiest thing to eat for lunch would be. I noticed there were people in line behind me, so I moved aside so they could go first, like any polite person would have done. I was still a nice guy back then.
I said to the person behind me, “Here, sir, why don’t you go first?”
The person’s smile disappeared. I knew instantly what I did wrong. I couldn’t believe how foolish I was. I misgendered this person.
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“I’m so sorry,” I said. I tried to keep a cool face. “Why don’t you go first, Them.”
Silence.
The whole restaurant got quieter. I just knew everyone was looking at me, but I didn’t try to find out. I was focused on them, the most important person in the world to me at that moment. The customer stared at me and didn’t say a word for a while. I gulped. Please forgive me, them, I thought.
The customer shook the customer’s head and mumbled, “Again?” Then the customer finally spoke to me with a whole crowd probably recording. “It’s zer.”
I misgendered the same person twice in a row. I ran out and sped home and you know the rest about the ice cream. That was four hours ago. Honestly, I’m surprised I’m still here and not in Azerbaijan by now. I need to move fast if I want to get ahead of this thing.
Now you know. Now you see what a horrible monster I am. Take this as a confession or a goodbye, either way you won’t see my face ever again. I might as well be dead to you.
Honeybear, you’re probably just finding out about this too. I know this will be hardest on you. Almost as hard as it is for me. Don’t forget about me. Please don’t blame yourself or let everyone criticize you because of my mistakes. And tell the kids I love them, too. Sorry I ate all the ice cream.
I’m going to miss all of you, but I’m no good for any of you anymore. I’m a completely different person from who I was four hours ago. I barely recognize myself anymore. I’m the worst kind of criminal. A bigot.
Let my mistake be a warning to you all. You could be next, and in that case, I’ll see you in Scotland. Watch your pronouns, people.
In all sincerity and apology,
Booger MacBigot
[previously Scott Johnson]
