“Dowry: The Truth We All Know, But Refuse to Accept”
Dowry is such a word that when we hear someone has taken dowry, we start making up 10 different stories. We start criticizing the groom’s side — “Arre, what kind of people are these, taking dowry?” On the other hand, we ourselves are the ones who, when a wedding happens, first ask in casual terms, “Tell me, what did you get in the wedding, how much did you get?”
Problem with the Word dowry
What to make of this? The issue is just with the “dowry” word because when you say “what came in dowry” or “how much dowry did they take,” it hurts people’s feelings. But why? When you accept that stuff given in marriage needs to be received, then what’s wrong with owning it with the “dowry” label? Maybe deep down, when you hear “dowry was taken,” you feel it’s wrong yourself. That’s why we say — “Parents’ love is hidden in these gifts, or we gave it to our daughter out of our own joy.” But how? When parents give gifts to their daughter or son-in-law out of love, or as blessings to the couple, why doesn’t it stay just between them? Why give to the entire groom’s family? From engagement to the last wedding ritual, gifts go to everyone — even those the bride’s parents don’t really know.
Pressure from Daughter’s Birth
When a daughter is born in an ordinary home, people start advising her parents right away — “Save money, get jewelry made, it’ll be useful when you marry off the girl.” The whole family barely waits for her to grow up before starting to save every penny for her wedding.
dowry’s Destructive Effects
Just because of this dowry, countless girls get killed, face daily beatings, endure constant insults. They’re always told, “What did your family give?” They bear taunts non-stop, many get so fed up they take their own lives. Even seeing this, we don’t stop taking dowry. NCRB data shows 35,493 dowry deaths from 2017–2022 — about 20 per day — with around 7,000 yearly, but conviction rates hover at just 11–17%.
Chain Continues Post-Wedding
dowry doesn’t end at the wedding — once given, it’s not over. Endless rituals follow where the groom’s side gets stuff in the name of festivals. Each festival has its own list — what to give, how much — and the cycle rolls on.
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Two Types of People
Even in dowry cases, there are two kinds. One where both families are financially strong and give everything as gifts — it’s truly gifts for them, no matter the cost, since their status matches. The other: boy lands a decent job, and his “price” shoots up — “Our son has a great post, earns well, so car, house, gold, jewelry for his family is a must.” Pressure builds like this. Bride’s side ignores character, focuses on job/money, fulfills demands — and that’s how dowry starts. No need for direct words; it happens subtly in talks.
Example of Indirect Demand
Let me share an example. A girl whose family sought a match. They met a family, both liked the pair. As talks advanced casually, boy’s dad said to girl’s dad — “We want nothing, but elder bahu has Color TV in her room; if your girl wants to watch too. We want nothing, but elder bahu got fridge from her home; if your daughter wants cold water in summer too. Elder bahu has AC in her room; if your daughter wants that too.” They demanded everything via the elder bahu. That’s indirect dowry demand.
Cycle That Never Stops
It’s not just the demander who’s wrong — get dowry like this: Payal’s wedding, her in-laws demand, her dad gives gifts/dowry. But it doesn’t end — 99% chance tomorrow her sister-in-laws, In-laws demand the same for their daughter. And Payal’s dad? 99% chance he took dowry from his bahu too. The cycle spins on.
From Kanyadaan to Crores
It started as kanyadaan blessings — simple gifts for the daughter — and now it’s crores.
Disease of Comparison
At weddings today, we think, “They gave their son this much; ours has govt job, deserves more.” Deep down, “We’ll give this much for our daughter too.” We keep pushing this mindset. We’ve sunk so low we compare dowry — who got more, less. How often we’ve heard at home — “That bahu brought car, jewelry; what did you? Nothing.” Even if she’s great, relatives grill more on dowry than her.
Boys Who Refuse dowry
But there’s truth beyond: boys built on merit who reject dowry as disrespect, seeking just a partner. Their values keep them from bad traditions. Yet people nitpick them. Lately, cases where boys refused sparked talk — “Must be some flaw.” Bride’s side forces acceptance — “No dowry, our girl won’t be happy.”
Where Does Mindset Change Start?
We’ve reached where refusing wrong invites character attacks over praise. We assume flaws for not taking dowry. So where does real change begin?
