When Did Our Bodies Become Everyone’s Business?
On unsolicited weight comments, family expectations, comparisons, and the emotional weight people carry beyond what others can see.
The First Thing People Notice
Imagine meeting someone after a few months. You expect the usual questions: How have you been? What have you been up to? How is life treating you?
But before the conversation has even properly begun, someone looks at you and says, “You’ve gained weight.”
Or perhaps it’s the opposite: “You’ve become so thin!”
Sometimes, it is followed by a suggestion: “Weight kam kar le.” Sometimes, it comes with a comparison to an older photograph. And sometimes, it is delivered almost casually, as though commenting on somebody’s body is simply a normal way to begin a conversation.
What makes these moments uncomfortable is not necessarily that someone has noticed a physical change. People notice things. The problem is the assumption that noticing gives them the right to comment.
Think about how often people ask someone whether they have gained or lost weight, but forget to ask something much simpler: How have you been? How are you doing? How have things been going in your life?
A person’s appearance can change for countless reasons. Their weight may fluctuate, their body shape may change, and the way they look today may be very different from how they looked a few years ago. These changes are part of being human.
Yet, somewhere along the way, we have become accustomed to treating them as public observations.
And perhaps the question worth asking is this: when did someone’s body become such an ordinary subject of conversation?
When Family Members Make It a Conversation
Weight-related comments can feel particularly difficult when they come from family.
Family gatherings, festive occasions, weddings, or even an ordinary visit can sometimes bring the same familiar remarks. Relatives may compare someone’s current appearance with an older photograph, point out that they used to be slimmer, or repeatedly suggest that they should lose weight.
It may be presented as concern, advice, humour, or even affection. But the intention behind a comment does not automatically determine how it feels to the person receiving it.
There is a difference between having a thoughtful conversation with someone about their well-being and making repeated observations about their appearance.
And what makes it more difficult is the repetition. One comment may be uncomfortable, but when the same subject comes up every time two people meet, it can begin to feel as though nothing else about that person is worth discussing.
Imagine looking forward to meeting relatives, only to anticipate the same remarks before you even arrive. Instead of feeling welcomed, you find yourself wondering whether your body will become the first topic of conversation again.
Family should be a place where people feel accepted through different phases of life. It should not become a place where they feel they have to explain every change in their appearance.
The Comparison With an Older Version of Ourselves
One particularly common habit is comparing someone with their older photographs.
“You looked so much better before.”
“Look how slim you were back then.”
“Why don’t you become like that again?”
Photographs are memories of a particular moment. They capture how someone looked at one point in their life, not how they are expected to look forever.
People change. Their circumstances change. Their routines, responsibilities, health, stress levels, and priorities can change too. Bodies are not fixed objects that remain identical throughout adulthood.
Yet comparisons with older photographs can create an expectation that the person in front of us should somehow return to a previous version of themselves.
There is also something unfair about treating an earlier body as the standard against which every present version must be measured. We rarely know everything that was happening in someone’s life when that photograph was taken, just as we may not know what they are experiencing now.
And even if someone has gained or lost weight without any particular underlying reason, they still do not owe everyone an explanation.
An older photograph should be something we can look back on without turning it into a reminder of what our bodies are supposed to look like today.
The Emotional Weight Nobody Sees
There is a thought that deserves more attention: sometimes, it is not just physical weight that a person is carrying. It is emotional weight too.
A person may be dealing with stress, grief, personal struggles, family responsibilities, difficult circumstances, or simply a phase of life that feels heavier than usual. Not all of these experiences are visible. Not everyone talks about what they are going through, and not everyone feels ready to explain it.
Yet, when someone gains weight, the conversation often stops at what can be seen.
People may notice a change in someone’s body without ever wondering whether something else has changed in their life. They may ask them to lose weight without asking how they have been feeling. They may compare their appearance with an older photograph without considering what the person might have experienced between those two moments.
And then there are people who dismiss all of this by saying, “These are just excuses. You should simply lose weight.”
But how can someone decide that another person’s struggles are excuses when they have never been in that person’s shoes?
Get Khushi Mehta’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
You do not know what someone carries in their mind, what they hold in their heart, what they are silently dealing with, or what their mental well-being looks like behind closed doors. You do not know what their everyday life involves or how difficult certain phases may have been for them.
Calling someone’s struggles excuses does not make you practical, honest or concerned. It only shows how little consideration you have given to experiences beyond your own.
And quite frankly, there is something deeply ignorant about believing that you have the right to judge someone’s body, dismiss their circumstances and instruct them on how to live simply because you have an opinion about their appearance.
Not every change in someone’s body needs an explanation. Not every struggle needs to be justified to relatives, acquaintances or people who feel entitled to offer unsolicited advice.
Sometimes, the person making these comments needs to examine their own lack of empathy before deciding what someone else should do with their body.
Because the truth is, you have no idea what another person is carrying. And you have absolutely no right to dismiss it as an excuse.
Sometimes, the weight a person is carrying cannot be seen. It may be emotional, mental, or connected to experiences they have not spoken about.
And perhaps we should be more interested in understanding that weight than in commenting on the one we can see.
Concern Is Not the Same as Constant Commentary
Of course, there may be situations in which someone genuinely cares about another person’s health. It is possible to have a sensitive, respectful conversation about well-being when it is appropriate and welcome.
But concern should not become a reason to repeatedly monitor someone’s appearance.
There is a difference between asking someone how they are doing and telling them how they look. There is a difference between offering support when someone asks for it and giving unsolicited instructions about their weight.
And there is certainly a difference between one thoughtful conversation and making someone’s body a recurring subject every time you meet.
Comments such as “You need to lose weight,” “You were so much better before,” or “Weight kam kar le” may sound ordinary to the person saying them. But to the person hearing them repeatedly, they can feel like a reminder that their appearance is constantly being evaluated.
We also need to recognise that health cannot be accurately understood simply by looking at someone. A person’s weight alone does not tell us everything about their physical or emotional well-being.
If we genuinely care about someone, perhaps the more meaningful questions are: Are you feeling okay? How have you been? Is there anything you need?
Sometimes, showing concern begins with listening rather than commenting.
Your body is not a public responsibility, and you do not need permission from anyone to decide what you want to do with it.
A Person Is More Than a Before-and-After Photograph
One of the saddest parts of repeated appearance-related comments is how easily they can overshadow everything else about a person.
Someone may be working towards a goal, dealing with responsibilities, navigating difficult circumstances, building a career, discovering new interests, or simply trying to get through an ordinary week.
Yet, when the conversation repeatedly returns to their weight, all those other parts of their life can seem to disappear.
A person becomes the photograph they used to look like, the number they are expected to reach, or the body someone thinks they should have.
But people are not before-and-after photographs.
They are not unfinished versions of themselves waiting to become acceptable again. They do not need to meet someone else’s preferred appearance to deserve warmth, respect, or a comfortable place in a conversation.
And perhaps we should also reconsider the way we greet people. Instead of beginning with an observation about their body, we could ask about their lives. Instead of comparing their present appearance with an old photograph, we could be interested in who they are today.
There is so much more to ask someone than whether they have gained or lost weight.
A Thought to Leave You With
Bodies change. They always have, and they always will.
There will be phases when we look different from the way we did a year ago, five years ago, or even a few months ago. Sometimes those changes are expected; sometimes they are not. But they do not make us any less deserving of respect.
Perhaps we need to become more mindful of the things we say, especially when we are speaking to people we care about. A comment that takes only a few seconds to make may stay with someone for much longer.
We cannot always know what another person is going through, what they feel when they look in the mirror, or how much effort it takes for them to feel comfortable in their own skin.
So perhaps the next time we meet someone, we can begin with something other than their weight.
Ask how they have been. Ask what is new in their life. Ask about something they are excited about.
And if their body has changed, remember that it is not an invitation to comment.
A person’s body is not a conversation starter, a family discussion, or a public report card. It is theirs. And that should be enough.
References
Lawrence, S. E., Puhl, R. M., Watson, R. J., Schwartz, M. B., Lessard, L. M., & Foster, G. D. (2023). Family-based weight stigma and psychosocial health: A multinational comparison. Obesity, 31(6), 1666–1677. https://doi.org/10.1002/oby.23748
Lawrence, S. E., Puhl, R. M., Schwartz, M. B., Watson, R. J., & Foster, G. D. (2022). “The most hurtful thing I’ve ever experienced”: A qualitative examination of the nature of experiences of weight stigma by family members. SSM — Qualitative Research in Health, 2, 100073. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ssmqr.2022.100073
Emmer, C., Bosnjak, M., & Mata, J. (2020). The association between weight stigma and mental health: A meta-analysis. Obesity Reviews, 21(1), e12935. https://doi.org/10.1111/obr.12935
