“Laude”
Growing up as a child who never expect guidance from anyone, a child who always figure it out without the help of anyone. The child no one should worry about as “that child always figured it out” without help from others. Sometimes it’s hard to find your way especially if the people around you expect you to be this bright, intelligent as you always been. I thought growing up it was an achievement, I always boost it with anyone that I grow up learning things with my own, but as I grew older It’s actually not.
Being an academic achiever most of your life can be tiring at times, exhausting. We tend to build that expectations with ourselves that we need to be more, we need to be like this because there is no room for failure, no room for mistakes as the people around me expect me to be like this, to be like that. It makes me sad. I sometimes think does the people around me truly happy about my achievements or they just want to see me have those acknowledgement to boost their egos while crushing mine. Don’t get me wrong being an achiever is something I am proud of becoming, but sometimes I just want to live in peace, no worries that I might fail, or I might make mistakes. All this time I can’t even do things for myself, I can’t even have fun just to experience the life outside their watch.
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Now, I failed.
I don’t know where it started or maybe it was there all along just watching where to finally come out. Graduation is coming, no awards nor “laude” beside my name yet I’m contented with it. I realize, no words can explain the amount of tears I’ve been through just to be here, no amount of sweats, doubts, hesitation, embarassment could ever explain how I survive. It was the difficult stage of my life. College was something that change me as a person. It made me realize things, open my eyes to the reality and it made me who I am today. Full of mistakes yet I had learnings from all of it. I just didn’t learn from the classroom because I had a lot with the experience I’ve been outside the four corners of a room. This lessons cannot be thought in a room, you need to experience all of it to fully understand how did it happen.
One thing is for sure. I might not graduate with the awards or achievement my younger selves dreamed of before but I know I am more capable, skilled, and stronger than she is. I may have failed the people who expect me to be one but I know within me I made my self proud of who i became. No amount of medals, achievements could ever erase me.
I know somewhere out there in the future, I will be the person I dreamed before— just a little different but still the same person with new life.
I hope you too. Don’t be to harsh on yourself — you are alllowed to make mistakes. Live to the fullest as tommorow is not promise.
