(Not) a role model
I’m not anyone’s role model.
I’m not perfect. I’m not a saint.
I make mistakes. I mess up. I hurt people. Sometimes, my anger gets the best of me. I’m noisy. I’m a bitch. I’m a hypocrite. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t care much about how people perceive me.
I do whatever I want. I read feminist books. I’m curious about things. I speak out about what goes through my mind. I’m opinionated. I’m resilient. I’m not scared. I question things. I want to learn more. I unlearn things that don’t fit my values. I tend to stick to my values.
I can be conceited, rude, rebellious, disobedient, and selfish. I won’t deny that. I will stick to my principles.
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And then you see I have a fabric on my head; suddenly, you don’t want to see any of it. Without notice, you see me as a saint, a representation of religion: perfect, obedient, submissive, compliant, down-to-earth, faithful, sinless, free from mistakes, and a selfless woman.
All of a sudden, you can’t see me speaking out about discrimination beyond our own, being an ally, or supporting queer and women’s rights. You can’t see me beyond the religion; you can’t see how I resist your rules. You can’t see me criticizing the patriarchal system. You can’t see me being shameless about my body. You can’t see me with a cigarette in my hand. You can’t see me beyond the fabric. You can’t see me as a human being.
You put me on a pedestal. You see me as a role model. You’d be disappointed if I took the fabric off because you can’t see me beyond it. It’s dehumanizing.
You don’t see me as a person. You see me as an idea.
You only see my hair, but not my mind behind it. You only see my neck, but not a living person who needs air to breathe. You only see my face, but not my feelings and discomfort. You only see my body, but not my passion and curiosity. You only see my arms, but not the strength I have to face struggle and adversity. You only see my legs, but not the comfort and peace I find without overstimulation.
Don’t make me your role model. I don’t live to fulfill your expectations. I live my life for me. I’m not supposed to let you down to live my life. I’m not supposed to disappoint you because I don’t owe you anything. My fabric isn’t supposed to upset you.
I’m not anyone’s role model.
