Reconciliation
These are some thoughts about an ongoing pattern in my life which I am slowly coming to terms with. It begins with what is expected of you. As a daughter, I started emotionally absorbing what my parents were going through for the past 30 years — bad health, lack of finances, and always in a state of want, whether these needs be emotional, physical, or monetary. Like economics, needs and wants were never balanced unless someone prioritized one thing over the other. Yet here we are in 2026.
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Almost a week into my trip back to my hometown, we have accomplished a lot of things. Amma is in a facility, a house sale has been done, some shopping has been done, beach and temple visits have been made, and altogether, it has been a busy week. And one with less sleep or sleep that has not been peaceful. Coz. Amma has a way with words, one that is insinuating and is a constant reminder of what a wretch I am. I haven’t given it my all. I guess I never would give it my all so far as she is concerned. And thus, my thoughts bloom on paper, and however awful they are, they need to be spoken to clear my mind. I do anticipate mental torture for the next couple of months. And yet today, she was a poster child on a family visit, and we did have a peaceful few hours. People in the family are old and frail as well but are still in good health. And Amma could have stayed that way had she made better choices. But she let her inadequacy rule the day, and here she is in a facility after two years of an unfinished recovery. So will the facility help? Yes, it has to since routines are predictable, and social life way better for my attention-seeking mother. And they would help with what she needs the most — a safety net against falls.
And yet there is the human heart to consider, which always plays back events in no particular order, only to point out that she couldn’t have been taken care of by me after various situations created by her own volition. And what must hurt her like a piercing thunderbolt is the shock of realizing that ego and power play have put her where she is now, and there is no looking back.
And for me, survival against these odds is key. To claim my life once more sounds like a pipe dream now. It has to be built again, slowly and methodically. And managing care and finances would always be with me. Yet distance should hopefully help improve this relationship that is hanging by a thread. One that is far gone into exchanging bad words and pointing fingers. And yet miraculously, my sibling escapes unscathed. The passage of Saturn through my Pisces moon has dipped its fingers into my life to strip me of everyone’s most basic want — to be understood by their mother. And reconcile I will because life is not over yet.
