Thursday
Thursday, September 22, 2022
I’m losing my Wednesdays.
It started a few weeks ago. I thought maybe if I started writing things down, it might help me remember.
I went to bed on Tuesday night, and I could barely get to sleep because I was anxious about a meeting Wednesday morning. When I woke up, I grabbed my phone and checked my calendar to start obsessing again, and the meeting wasn’t there. At first I was flooded with relief because I thought it had been canceled. Then I saw the date. It was Thursday. Somehow, I had missed it. I panicked.
I ran to my laptop, flipped it open. Had I slept through the whole day? I needed to start making apologies and fast, but I didn’t even know to whom. About what.
When I opened my email…there were emails. From me. I had sent emails out yesterday, normal work emails. Everything I said sounded like something I’d say. Something I did say? Apparently, the meeting had gone well. The client was impressed, and the work continues.
I thought maybe the day had been so stressful that I’d blocked it out. But the emails…some of them were funny. I seemed like I was in a good mood after the meeting.
Then I lost the next Wednesday.
Same thing. I woke up expecting a Wednesday, and it was Thursday. From everything I could gather, I had a normal Wednesday. I just lost it afterwards.
But this morning when I woke up, my inbox had exploded: people asking me when I was going to respond to them, others asking for clarification when my answers made no sense. They seemed completely usual when you read them, but the details didn’t line up. Due dates from the wrong projects, emails to the wrong people.
I’m trying to do some damage control but I don’t know what to do. I told people I had a cold, that I was hopped up on DayQuil. I’m not sure that’s good enough. I really need this job.
Am I sleepwalking? I can’t afford to go to a doctor.
Thursday, September 29, 2022
It happened again. I think I’m going to get fired.
Woke up to an email from my boss, said he’d had “multiple complaints” about my “aggressive behavior” yesterday. He said he was “really concerned about” me but I think he’s just going to axe me. Told me to take the rest of the week off to “get better.”
I checked my emails, looked through my call logs.
I don’t know what happened, what was wrong with me. What is wrong with me. All my emails were angry: yelling, bitter, spiteful responses to completely benign requests. I told Brenda to get fucked and go to hell.
I like Brenda.
Tuesday, October 4, 2022
It’s been an awkward week at work. I had a lot of apologies to make, which is tough through emails and Zoom calls. I told people I’d been going through a lot and wasn’t myself. I guess that’s true.
Now everybody hates me. They’ll have to fire me. I need this paycheck.
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I’m staying up tonight until it’s Wednesday. Maybe if I don’t sleep, it won’t happen. I’ll just slap myself in the face every couple minutes so I don’t nod off.
Wednesday, October 5, 2022
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Thursday, October 6, 2022
I think my jaw might be broken. My face is all puffy and purple. The last thing I remember, it was Tuesday night. I was watching the clock tick towards midnight. I know I slapped myself in the face at 11:59, and then I woke up this morning. Did I slap my face all day?
Not all day, I must have also done enough to get fired. Tried to log in to my email and my credentials didn’t work. Called IT. They said my account had been terminated yesterday. Guy had a tone like, how do you not know this? Can’t blame him, I guess.
Tuesday, October 11, 2022
I don’t know what the fuck to do. I don’t know what the fuck to do! I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO.
I guess that doesn’t help, but I feel better.
Don’t have money for a doctor. Can’t tell anyone or they’ll think I’m fucking crazy, which I guess I am. And if I don’t find a fucking job quick then I’m out of this apartment.
Wednesday, October 12, 2022
No! NO NO NO NO NO! NOOOOOOOOOO THESE ARE THE DAYS. THESE ARE THE DAYS!!!! WEDNESDAYS ARE THE DAYS
IT’S NOT WEDNESDAYS YOU’RE LOSING IT’S ALL THE OTHER FUCKING DAYS THIS IS THE ONLY DAY YOU’RE ALIVE AND YOU NEED TO WAKE UP WAKE THE FUCK UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
THIS ISN’T REAL THIS ISN’T REAL THIS ISN’T REAL THIS ISN’T REAL THIS ISN’T REAL THIS ISN’T REAL THIS ISN’T REAL THIS ISN’T REAL
THIS IS NOT REAL
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTT OOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
IT HAS FOUND YOU you are in it
Thursday, October 13, 2022
I woke up this morning covered in scratches, mostly on my chest and face. I guess I did it. They hurt like a fucking bitch but if I lie really still and don’t move at all, it’s not too bad.
On the plus side, I got a call from a recruiting agency and they have another temp office job open. It’s remote, so I can start soon. Lucky #13, I guess. I really need this job.
Thursday, October 20, 2022
I think things are back to normal now. I had a normal day yesterday — checked my phone, sat at my laptop, got my work done. I remember it. Perfectly normal. Just perfect.
