Much More Muchier
“You’re not the same as you were before,” he said. You were much more… muchier… you’ve lost your muchness.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland / Through the Looking-Glass
Recently I realized I am getting “muchier.”
And it makes me so happy.
There was a time in my life when I was full of vim, vigor, excitement…life. And then something happened as I went through adulthood.
I began to make myself small in order to make those around me more comfortable.
Biting my tongue when I wanted to scream, laughing instead of crying when someone said something hurtful, ignoring and allowing the small microaggressions that ate at my self-esteem, making me self-conscious of who I was.
Who I am.
And so, I became someone else. Someone I didn’t know. Someone who was “less than” who I felt I was always meant to be. And I found myself playing the role of martyr to those who were uncomfortable with the authentic me.
And I felt like I was doing the right thing. Sacrificing myself for someone else. It’s so very noble, isn’t it?
And, slowly, over the years, became someone I did not know. Someone I did not like.
I was embarrassed by this bastardized version of myself.
And worse, I didn’t even know it was happening. I let it happen. In fact, I made it happen.
In my mind, I had to in order to make everyone in my sphere comfortable. To be fully myself would rock the boat which I had helped to build.
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And there came a time when I wanted nothing more than to jump overboard.
Instead, I began to write. More and more and more. Peeling back the layers to discover why I felt it was necessary to make myself small. It was time to hold up a looking glass and search for the culprits.
I can make excuses. But I won’t. I did this to myself.
What I found was…
Fear.
Shame.
Hurt.
Feeling unlovable.
Then I thought, “Great. I can name it. What am I going to do about it now?”
And then it came to me. I needed to thank her. This version of myself. This person had helped me make it through the toughest years of my life.
I am grateful to her. And even more grateful I no longer need her.
It’s time to let her go.
Being me. The most authentic version of myself is all I have to be. And if it makes others uncomfortable, that’s not for me to worry about or try to make better.
It’s their issue, not mine.
And so, today, I plan to be a much more muchier and wiser version of me.
Why don’t you join me?
