22.
I started working on this blog all by myself, back in February. I had shared a piece I randomly wrote on a bad day earlier this year and like I wrote in my first blog post, my friend Mide gave me the push to start a personal blog. Four months down the lane, I’ve had even darker days, hit new levels of lows that I didn’t think existed, sunk deeper into a number of self-destructive vices and lost touch with my reality and everyone around me, but what matters is that I’ve stayed alive, and I am now officially announcing the existence of this blog on my 22nd birthday.
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21 was big weird, but I kept it together like I normally would. On some days, I couldn’t hide the exhaustion, and on most days, I would go around carrying out my daily activities like my life wasn’t falling apart. It’s what we all do, isn’t it? Well, 21 showed me hell and I’m not even going to deny that I almost lost it. 21 was a whole year of making irreversible but avoidable mistakes. In the last days of 21, I felt pain so overwhelming that I pushed everyone that cared away, locked the world out and wallowed in all the pain and trauma without seeking help or confiding in anyone, not even family. There were days I felt so alone and yearned for companionship, but my anxiety and insecurity had me in such a chokehold that I couldn’t let anyone into my personal space or into my head. I also dealt with imposter syndrome for most of 21, having been placed on a pedestal that I didn’t ask to be placed on, by family, friends and co-workers alike.
I also crossed certain milestones, and I made a lot of lifestyle changes that I’d never imagined I would ever make. I quit my jobs without a backup plan (forgive me but impulsive and chaotic decision making are my toxic traits). I decided to start again just a few months after, while seeking more knowledge in my field of interest and the growth has been evident. I learnt to stop apologizing for my mental health issues and to allow myself be more aware of my emotions-this had a positive and negative effect on my life, though. I felt all the things I had kept hidden away for years, I felt pain in every sense of the word, but most importantly, I had a taste of pure happiness and what it means to live without worries. But like my ‘Shakespeare’ friend told me, ‘ happiness, just like love, is a fleeting emotion, the weyrey no dey consistent ‘. I met new people and consciously built meaningful relationships with the most amazing set of human beings that later formed a family that I will cherish forever, having hidden away from people and felt out of place for most of my formative years.
For my next magic trick at 22, I’m going to consciously do better and be better, by making more efforts to not let myself be overwhelmed or get lost in whatever mess life throws at me, whether through vices from my past or the unforeseen ones. I’ll learn to tolerate more human beings and let genuine people care for me. I’ll take my own advice and stop waiting for the ‘perfect’ time to start working on all the ideas lying to waste in my head and on my notepad. I am going to stop living like an uptight 80-year old woman and act my age, even if it upsets people. I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve and be there for the ones that matter to me. Most importantly, I’m going to stop existing as an empty being and truly live.
I made a lot of playlists as 21 took its course. One of which was for the days I felt so empty and alone and I thought to share with you today. Not the right playlist to share on one’s birthday, yeah? Listen anyway.
Originally published at http://lammya.com on June 5, 2021.
