You Gotta Have Hart
Ad agencies are run by morons, but that makes sense because they are selling things to the moron inside all of us, water finds its level. Gronk, Brian Cox, Melissa McCarthy, those three fellas speak directly to the moron we try to keep stuffed away behind our Super Egos. And it works, but, because no one ever got ahead on Madison Ave by have an original thought, these spokespeople hit the oversaturation threshold, or The Payton Hating Bar, as the kids call it. The Manning Brothers, Serena Williams, and even Ryan Reynolds are reaching critical mass as weasels, but who’s the hands down winner?
Kevin Hart. But wait, you say, wasn’t Kevin Hart cancelled back 2017? Remember, he gave up his gig hosting the Oscars because someone found a bunch of his homophobic tweets and he refused to apologize? No such luck. Talk about bouncing back. Since 2017, the alleged comic has become the spokesmodel for Wrangler, Samsung, Sam’s Club, Chase Bank, and, of course, NFT’s. He also has squeezed in time to shill Tommy John Underwear and those endless Draft King’s Sports Book commercials, on top of Fabletics Sportswear, Nutrabolt Sports Drink, and he doesn’t even play a sport.
And, of course, there’s the ubiquitous celebrity booze, in this case Kevin Hart’s Gran Coramino Cristalino Tequila. A fifty-dollar bottle of clear tequila, unfortunately, when they filtered out the color, they took the taste, rendering this over-priced hooch as bland as a Kevin Hart movie.
Fortunately, Hart also hawks Bruush Electric Toothbrushes so you can get the taste of his Gran swill out of your mouth. But I tells ya, the kid is no slouch.
Kevin Hart’s production company, the truth in advertising laws skirting Laugh Out Loud, and his other production company, Hartbeat Productions (because everything he touches must have his name in the title somewhere, like a dwarf Trump) took a $100 million dollar investment from Arby Partners and churned out the hit TV series Celebrity Prank Wars, Real Husbands of Hollywood, Die Hart, So Dumb It’s Criminal Hosted by Snoop Dogg, Hart to Heart (no, not that one), Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Snoop Dogg, Kevin Hart’s Muscle Car Crew, Celebrity Game Face, True Story (no, not that one), LYFT Comics, The Donors, Matthew Davis Gets Grounded, Correctional Cuisine, Unmasked: Sidewalk Superheroes, Hotline Ads, Night School, Dave (no, not that one), Hart of the City, and Stories with Kev to name a few.
You have to hand it to the little bastard, what he lacks in originality, he makes up for in volume. If you’re like me, you’ve never heard of most of those TV shows, so let’s break a few down:
CELEBRITY PRANK WARS: Pretty much a direct rip-off of that other prank show with the four white guys, only this one has Kevin Hart and Nick Cannon as the hosts. Tony Gonzales, one of the geniuses behind Dance Moms, Dance Moms: Miami and The Dance Moms Christmas Special is directing.
REAL HUSBANDS OF HOLLYWOOD: Not a direct rip-off of the ‘reality’ show of the same name that Kevin Hart and Nick Cannon were in back in 2013, but a direct rip-off of the Harold Ramis 1996 movie Multiplicity. This time around Kevin hopes to win a charity competition and be the first celebrity in space, so he creates clones of himself, and hijinks ensue. In a stretch, Nick Cannon plays himself.
DIE HART: A direct rip-off of something, I’m sure. Little Hart-sized 8-minute shorts about Hart, playing a ‘version’ of himself, trying to become an action star. All you need to know is, Bruce Willis turned it down. Think about that, Bruce Willis turned it down…
SO DUMB IT’S CRIMINAL HOSTED BY SNOOP DOGG: A direct rip-off of all those other shows that have a B List Celebrity Panel attempt to be snarky about video clips. I found something interesting though. Dr. Savoy Brummer was the ‘Medical Director’ on the show. He was also the Medical Director on Hart’s other shows Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart & Snoop Dogg, 2021 and Done with Snoop Dogg & Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart’s Winter Olympics Tailgate Party, Kevin Hart’s Cold as Balls, Hart to Heart, 2022: Back That Year Up and Celebrity Prank Wars, so I asked him what he actually did as Medical Director on these Snoop Dogg shows, because I’m like that. He said, ‘I was like the “go-to” doc during Covid.’
What a letdown. I was hoping he was the guy that rolled the joints, or something. Who knows, maybe he was. I do know Dr. Brummer’s website says he graduated from Howard with a 4.0 GPA Summa Cum Laude and did his residency at the University of Pennsylvania, very impressive. He also produces movies and TV shows. I’m guessing that there is nothing nefarious going on. Dr. Brummer is simply the Covid Compliance Supervisor for these, and a laundry list of other productions, and his judgment as a C.C.S. would never be shaded by his role as a producer or investor, even though a lot of money was on the line during the Covid Scare.
HART TO HEART: Not a rip-off of the old Robert Wagner/Stefanie Power amateur detective show, but a talk show on the Peacock Network where Hart sits down and chats with compelling guests like Nick Cannon, under the medical supervision of Dr. Savoy Brummer.
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KEVIN HART’S MUSCLE CAR CREW: A rip-off of Jesse James Outlaw Garage, or Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (which Hart has been on), or Jay Leno’s Garage, or any of the other ten thousand car shows out there.
CELEBRITY GAME FACE: A rip-off of Hollywood Game Night, only Hart and his wife, Eniko Parrish, are hosting and instead of Nick Cannon they have Nick Swisher.
TRUE STORY: Hart finally gets a dramatic role in this triller as the World’s Most Famous Comedian, but he makes the mistake of playing opposite Wesley Snipes and gets blown off the small screen.
That’s just a partial list of the shows he has out there, and if Kevin can take a break from his side hustle of peddling product, he does have an impressive list of new ideas in the pipeline get roll out:
LIFT: An action comedy about stealing $100 million in gold bullion directed by the unfortunate F. Gary Gray. It is in post-production and is expected to be released on Netflix in August.
NEILA SURVIVAL: A sci-fi film they were supposed to start shooting in 2020 in New Zealand about a woman that dies in 1951 but is brought back to life as an android 16-year-old girl and has several adventures through a series of short films. Dana Plato’s ex-boyfriend, Fred Potts, was supposed to write and direct it, and they started a Youtube channel in July of 2021 and then boom, crickets.
THE BACKUP: A romantic comedy with Keke Palmer attached to star.
PLANES, TRAINS, AND AUTOMOBILES: A remake of the 1987 Steve Martin/John Candy classic for no good reason at all, only with Hart and Will Smith as the leads. It’s being written and directed by TV writer and first-time director Aeysha Carr, which means it more than likely will be all over the place as Hart imposes his will on the film and everyone will want to slap Will Smith when it is over.
SCROOGED: Hart isn’t done messing up classic comedies. He’s also going to stick himself in a remake of the Bill Murray Christmas chuckle fest, Scrooged. The original was written by Michael O’Donoghue. Do you really think Kevin Hart can pull off anything near the dark genius of O’Donoghue?
MY OWN WORST ENEMY: Hart is also supposed to be in pre-production on the Tim Story directed, Chad St. John written secret agent comedy, but Story, who failed miserably to bring The Fantastic Four to the screen, is busy making a Family Christmas movie for Disney and St. John’s last script, Replicas, lost about $21 million at the box office. So, I don’t think anyone is in a big rush to make My Own Worst Enemy.
BLACK KAREN: A drama that went into pre-production last month. It is being directed by Meagan Good, Shazam!’s Superhero Daria, based on her short film by the same name. Hart is only attached to produce.
AMERICAN SOLE: Ian Edelman is directing his own script about the after-market sneaker reselling world. He was a PA on the Sean Penn movie I Am Sam, so who knows, it might be good.
Those are just the movies Hart is producing that are in pre-production. He’s got about 15 more that are either optioned or in script or just treatment stages. As an actor Hart’s got the TV series The Laff House Stories filming right now, the movies Back On The Strip and Borderlands in post-production, remakes of Uptown Saturday Night, and The Great Outdoors, then Ride Along 3, On The Run, Night Wolf, Black Friday, Co-Parenting, Extreme Job, the cartoon Lil Kev, and the just announced movie based on the board game Monopoly are all on his plate.
No, we won’t be getting a break from Kevin Hart any time soon…
I’m Lance Norris saying Later On Croutons.
