Drunk Thoughts
I have been coping with loneliness for quite a while, about three years now right out of high school. I have never felt so alone as I do now and I am trying to cope with it, but certain aspects of my life make being lonely hard like having slight social anxiety and a sorry complex. I just want a true friend to be able to do stuff with
I drink alone quite a lot because my plans always fall through or ditch me half way through and I just feel so rejected I drink way more than I should. But I drink to forget that I am alone. I met someone, but I am not sure he is going to make me feel like I am not alone. I just want to feel important to somebody because right now I feel like a huge burden. That is no way to feel and who knows, maybe I am self conceited, but I just enjoy getting attention from anyone, platonic or otherwise. But it is not just me getting the attention but also me giving it; I love to feel a connection with someone. The problem is that when I do feel a connection, I then immediately get attached and then overthink things.
This always leads me down a horrible spiral which brings up things about myself that I do not thinking about in normal, waking life.
Things such as my sexuality, my acne, my hairiness, my terrible awkwardness and my loneliness. I just cant help feel sorry for myself when I drink, its truly a terrible habit. I don’t know what I am, but I strive to be content with my life and right now I am far from that.
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I have goals I wish to accomplish, like being okay doing things alone and being autonomous without being anxious, and also getting rid of this terrible acne. I know that is my body’s fault and genetics and hormones, but I feel as though my self confidence would improve drastically if it would just disappear. I remember wishing at birthday’s and when the clock showed 11:11am, I would wish until my heart hurt for my acne to be cleared miraculously by the hand of God or some other great power. I have cried and wept countless times over my acne, even though some people have it way worse. My personality has always been a bit excessive and obnoxious, but now I am those two traits plus fucking awkward. I want to scream at the niverse, but it’s not really their fault, is it? It is nobody’s fault; not mines, not Their’s, not His.
I find such solace in music, whether it be Nirvana screaming in my ear or Guster serenading me with their Ruby Falls, I have them. That is the most important thing in my life at this particular moment. I feel as though I need to live life from moment to moment or I will miss it. I need to find my own peace of mind and stray from my temptations such as procrastinating and drinking.
I wish I was a strong, capable and domineering woman, but instead I am just here. I guess that’s something right? But I want more, I want my life to amount to more than what it currently is and that scares me because what if it does and what if it doesn’t? So much could happen, yet so much couldn’t.
I guess I will just go have another drink…
