Trump Questioned Whether U.S. Gold is Missing: A Satire
*BYLINE*: Leigh Silverton rummaging through Fort Knox’s gift shop for evidence of a presidential psychotic break.

“They’ve taken the gold, folks — MAYBE they melted it down into commemorative NFTs, maybe they fed it to the carrier pigeons, who knows, we’re looking into it, believe me.”
— Donald J. Trump, 3 a.m. TruthSocial post, punctuation as delivered

A Field Guide to the President’s Latest Gilt Trip
1. The Inciting Hallucination
Like a magpie who’s just spotted tinsel, Trump fixates on Fort Knox the way toddlers cling to blanket corners. No evidence, no problem: he free-associates from “gold” to “stolen” faster than you can say “synthetic aperture delirium.”¹ That’s textbook flight of ideas — except the DSM never anticipated a case study who controlled the nuclear codes.

2. Thought Disorder on Parade
Press corps question: “Why do you think the bullion is gone, Mr. President?”
Trump answer, transcribed:
“Well, people — powerful people, frankly — they’re doing very nasty things, okay? Gold is portable, like a cheeseburger, which I know a lot about, the biggest burgers, beautiful, and Fort Knox — tremendous fort, very under-inspected, maybe the most under-inspected fort in history…”
What begins as paranoia ends as buffet commentary. Logical connectors rupture like a cheap cufflink. Somewhere a psychiatry resident screams into a spiral notebook.