The Butterfinger Effect
Portland, Oregon — A philosopher that I’ve been talking to over the last few weeks has finally agreed to go on the record with some of his new groundbreaking work. For his security, I will assign him the fake name Gerald. The following is a transcript of our intern’s telephonic interview:
Intern: So we’ve been talking for a while, Gerald, what made you change your mind?
Gerald: Well you guys said you’d change my name right? I just don’t want to release anything until it’s finalized.
Intern: Ahh, that’s respectable. Well, we’ll make sure that your privacy is contained. Tell me a little about what you’re working on.
Gerald: Well it’s this idea that the smallest actions you take as a human being can have enormous consequences. Over Halloween is when I was first sparked with the idea. My daughter Jill came home and I asked her if she could spare some candy and I went ahead and grabbed a butterfinger. While I was eating the butterfinger, I slipped on her recently used dildo —
Intern: Bro what?
Gerald: Her dildo? When women use it, it’s often left wet you know?
Intern: Gerald Jesus man I know that. Whatever, just go on.
Gerald: Okay.. Let’s see so I slipped on her dildo and had a minor concussion that day. Turns out I lost some years of college as a result, but I’m working to relearn information through night classes. Anyways, that little experience got me to thinking: I was only just reaching for a butterfinger and a large change came on in my life. Could it be that life isn’t necessarily a strangely random web of large decisions made? Could it be instead that life is a much more random web of small decisions made by conscious individuals? That our smallest actions have almost as much bearing as our largest?
Intern: Ahh.. That sounds very profound actually. What impact do you hope to have on the world with this?
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Gerald: Well I’m still thinking about that. After learning this, I’ve been constantly worried that my small decisions can have insanely large repercussions. Early on, this really worried me and I was caught up on small things at every hour of the day. I don’t want this to be the intended consequence.. rather I want my work to show people that life is more random than it is planned. By this I mean I want people to realize that yes you have the opportunity to make decisions about your life and how you want things to work out, but the larger set of decisions isn’t something you have complete control over. It’s something that’s controlled by a larger driving force of the people, political, social, etc., forces that move your decisions. While that is uncontrolled, I think you can derive a certain bliss from knowing that nothing you do matters a whole lot.
Intern: …
Gerald: Hello?
Intern: Sorry, I’m just… I think I’m having an existential crisis?
Gerald: See a younger me would’ve wanted to help a young man like you, but at this stage I realize that my actions have little to no bearing on you.
Intern: What? It’s because of what you said that I’m thrown into this.. I don’t know anything.. We don’t know anything! Humans have very little control over each ourselves let alone each other. How do I guarantee anything? Do I get a job after college? Is my employer basically exploiting me by not paying me?
Gerald: Ahh.. Well look Henry was it? I actually have to erm… I have a class to teach right now. I’ll leave you to your thoughts.
Intern: WAIT! TELL ME MORE! FIX ME YOU’RE A —
[phone rings]
[Henry crying softly]
Me: Henry can you pass along the recording of your call to the transcriber?
[Henry continues crying]
Me: [under breath] Jesus Christ this is why we only pay the other interns.
