A Celebration that Feels Like Mourning
I never really liked my graduation. It should have been a big day, the important one in my life. A special day because it’s the one and only day I have occasion to look beautiful with some make up on and wearing kebaya. But, really I didn’t even think about that at all.
Instead, I found myself crying a week before the day. I cry every night without fail. I cried while I was watching my favorite Cafe ASMR videos, I cried while I was eating fried rice frommy favorite chinese food stall, I cried before I fell a sleep. I cried and I was scared. I cried and I felt so sad. I cried and I felt disappointed.
It shouldn’t be like this, of course. This is not a graduation that I always imagine a few years ago, back when I was still in high school. I should be happy and excited because after all these struggle and obstacle, I had finally earn my degree from my dream uni.
I should’ve done some research about great photographer in Jogja. I should’ve bought prettier Kebaya than I wore that day. I should’ve been happy.
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But, again, I just found myself crying, two hours before my name got called and I have to go onto the stage, pretend that nothing is happened. I just walked awkwardly towards the line that make my friend whispered, “It’s okay. Don’t be nervous.”
But my condition was far more serious than nervous.
I even got out of control, texting rudely to my mom that watching me from upper tribune. I won’t lie, my mental state was shaken.
I just want this to be over. This graduation, all these greetings, performances, and the endless series of event that feels like forever. My feet hurt because I wasn’t use to wearing heels, My body was sticky because the hall was unbearably hot. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I don’t wanna be here any longer.
Until this very moment, graduation still be something that I hate and I regret. I sometimes feel envy because I can’t enjoy this moment the way people do.
Since that day, I realize that celebration is not my thing. I missed one huge moment in my life. I hate my graduation. I will keep saying that because nobody can understand how much I hate it.
Unfortunately, graduation never feel joyful when you come from a broken family.
