I had a dream across my entire life with a lover, her name sweet as the pastries made by her grandmother. Her smile; I could pinch her cheek and not be left with a flat dissonance. Sunlit hands that glow like the sunrising to greet me and the whole day once again. It extends and becomes dusk; a waiting period before the shades of blue show along her flawless Love. Eternally she is my nature, a kind that kindly makes me kind also. I may see that her head is adorned with crowns of roses; hand clipped so that it wouldn’t hurt. The thorns are nowhere to be seen, only generosity is exalted in her likeness. This heart got too nervous and stumbled right back, reaching for the dirt under the grass. I could feel the air around me. The wind with our promises. How lovely is it truly? I must become better in hopes of making this into reality. Maybe one day; maybe, a day with you. The hair that covered her eyes, her purity hidden from my eyes — I know I am not worthy to ever gaze upon such integrity. The scene made me lie awake for hours on end before realizing I was late for school, it sucks because I almost got late. But the day was not, I realized I was still here. My room became a place I have never set my foot in — entering what seemed to be familiar, I saw her. In the moment; in the grace I thought I lost. I knew it was a dream, I knew I could wake up at any moment. All I did; I sat down on the blades of grass — looking behind, finding a life that I wanted. It’s crazy to think that over and over again but I do still want it, why should she show love when I can’t show those to me; how else would I be fair to myself, how else am I so great in everyone’s eyes. I used to be her’s — is that too much for me to say? I wanted to see those eyes again, I want to grow old and have regrets about hobbies and opportunities — but not you. I don’t want the last time to be before time passes, I am in denial that I am a good person. My punishment to always recall what I am — who I used to be, to a person that loved me truly. But, I don’t wanna sound mean to myself anymore; she gazed upon me in my thoughts and asked me to forgive myself, I wish I could. But would I suffice just for that? She told me to remember all the things and love it ever so willingly. I don’t want to act like a little child wanting something, but why? Why do I want to do that, how would I even act like that in front of you. It hurt me to see — knowing that you’d someday be uncomfortable to me. I think that’s okay. I understand why you’d feel that way. I know I can’t show any words but I have a lot to say. I could scream at the top of my lungs and I know you wouldn’t hear. My heart is much louder, like a metronome — drowning out my words as lyrics. You always said with certainty, yet I have been there at times when you are not. Knowing that happens to you too; it pains me witnissing such a moment. My head pulls from the side, leaning against the open field — I’m looking at you, my dear. I have yet to conquer myself before you’ll bring peace into me. Next to you, I’m looking for a spot that fits you yesterday. The day before today? How have I genuinely not noticed such gleaming eyes that you hold. I still remember it to this day, green and analogue became what happened to you; my dear. The sweetest smile that my life has ever witnessed — how much is it? I’m entirely kidding, I wrote this even after it happened. But I hold both truths to you, that in which I am reminded every single time. Like those special features on another social media app. I may never be able to lower your guard; that’s good, keeping your heart ever protected. But, please do not let that make you think this self degrading. I am but an honest man that hates no one but myself. How else had you on your tears.
I knew the first silhouette, it called upon a name that she could only say.
Muffled beneath the sound of crickets chirping and the trees swaying.
Just tell me once time, I don’t even know if I’m awake by now.
It’s such things that make me stay longer than intended; the alarm already went off, but seeing you made me deaf. I couldn’t hear any motion nor see any sound whatsoever. I know you’re far too focused on the horizon and the hue it brings, but please do sway your gaze and see a someone who is waiting for you. Here for time; the braces between that smile — it was there too, I love you. How has this fate come to end me bitterly, that I may see what comes not. The season is bare, I guess there wasn’t anything growing other than the weeds between us. I was wearing the wrong attire; a school uniform probably doesn’t feel quite right seeing you. But, I still wouldn’t change anything from that moment. It was mine with yours; something I could maybe experience before I died. Your eyes then shunned to a colour similar to oak, how is it that I can see through your veil — it must be because it was only a dream. A fleeting dream in the middle of nowhere, maybe you actually knew the place. Who knows, but you. I’m searching for a sign, a meaning — you spoke out of the blue, I couldn’t hear at all. My eyes too deaf to hear you. Even I get confused sometimes, if you haven’t caught on — that was intentional. If you were actually there; you’d remark my cheeky behavior. But… you weren’t really there. In hopes for you to speak, a language that I am often too stupid to understand — yet I will understand, for you say it with utmost brilliance.
The necklace you wore; a guitar found — embedded.
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I know those moments, my head still remembers.
Nowhere to go, except through my heart.
I saw a home. A house that became one with you in it. In that moment, I saw no house — I saw you alone; I knew that was still my home. I had all I needed. Truly, I was poor but then I had it all. For a moment — I became a man whom lacked nothing else in life. No bribery could leave me embezzled to another, not my life — but my entire being. Truly, I can’t keep track of how much time I have waited. The alarm went off again, I awoke once more. Back in my room — went to the kitchen and sobbed once more. The tears were salt to the eggs I made, the breakfast rang through the silence. It became more quiet after cooking. I’m starting to realize that I may be replaced, but I trust her. I trust that she’ll keep her end of the promise; the promise she also made back then and there, having said again in that dream. If I had one thing going for me, it’d be my trust. For it goes well with promises. My promise whom I entrust you with. Indeed, you are the sole reason why I can trust myself. Will I ever be the most loveliest rose? I promise it’ll be blue just for you. I know that the different shades of hues are familiar by you. Now you realize, that was me too.
What would you do?
I know you’d think about it a lot, please do.
Not that I want you to think of me too. Well — that’s not true
Please, let me back again. Let’s have a conversation — one where I could tell you so many things. Things that you like — where I’ll be, is where I am. You know where to find me, I’ll write even more again.
