Another New Chapter
I moved last week for the 8th time in the last three years. It’s almost embarrassing to say, but I assure you each move had merit, planning and good reasons behind it, which don't need an explanation other than just doing my best to survive and make a decent life for myself.
I lost my job about four months ago having been unceremoniously fired by the corporation I was working for. I can say that every person I know in that same role in absolutely hates the company. Each one would leave in a heartbeat for a better opportunity, with no hint of loyalty, because that is what we received.
I often felt like a slave and reminded myself it was my choice to ensue this unhealthy relationship and that all of my reasons for my stress, anxiety and unhappiness boiled down to me staying for money. I decided to make a plan to get out and as soon as I did that I was fired. It seems a lot of my plans work this way.
I felt humiliated for enduring all the hard work I put in just to be fired, but I was also deeply happy and hopeful for this welcome ending. I know that in life, things I fear can be the most life giving, can be the greatest opportunities that I otherwise would not have chosen. God is gracious in this way though it can take some time and/or work to see it.
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When I did my search I couldn’t find any local opportunities that weren’t more of the same — working my ass off just to tread water and get nowhere for a company getting ahead while I stayed behind. So I expanded my search statewide and opened up more conversations. I was encouraged more in my value and knew when someone valued me or didn’t. I found a position about 3 hours away and interviewed. It was the farthest away but the best opportunity of all the ones I considered, and I accepted their offer.
This time I am working with a greater awareness, with more of a commitment to myself. I put more work in the front end and though still a risk, I am hopeful. I have learned a job is a relationship that can be healthy or unhealthy and needs to be treated accordingly. If my needs aren’t being met, it is my responsibility to myself, my sanity, to make my best effort and place myself (or remove) in the best place to flourish internally and externally.
I know in the past I have placed certain things I wanted in relatiomships above my general well being as if they could be found nowhere else, and I settled for being miserable in many other areas. Part of this with work is survival, but part of the issue is rejecting hope and happiness. Not believing in myself. Only I can be honest with myself to determine the motivations of my actions and inactions. I believe it has more to do with choosing to stay in fear rather than facing it and it seems ironic as I write it. Not facing my fear only perpetuates it — licenses it to continue!
This job search took a lot of grit over the past four months, in my heart, mind and my body not to give up and not to only see my self-worth coming from a job or money. It was depressing and I was scared my rampant anxiety would swallow me whole. I believe God provided for me in my circumstances. He gave me and understanding roommate situation and a means to pay my bills and survive through some side work and help from a few good friends and a very supportive girlfriend.
The part I am most happy and hopeful about however, is right here, right now, as my words unfold before you, sharing my story, writing. I say so because I have a desire to continue writing and growing. I have the hope of being a professional writer and I know the deep challenge and acceptance of myself this action requires — and the commitment to build this as I work my full-time job.
This is me showing up and doing something just for me. This isn’t me working for someone else. This is me engaging hope, singing notes without a sound.
