anxiety.
It’s the thing niggling in your chest
That sets your heart to racing when you’re finally at rest.
It’s the thought that creeps into your mind
Jolting you out of sleep in the dark of the night.
It’s your heart you hide in your sleeve and the tears you hurriedly wipe from your cheek.
So no one can see, so no one can see...
When the conversation runs dry; silence replacing it, spilling into cracks and the corners around.
You shift your gaze to the space between your feet,
To avoid locking eyes with the 'friend' who you’ve had since you were three.
It’s the sudden discomfort, the loud cacophony in your brain.
You cringe at the emotion and you fear the words left unsaid.
Your mind malfunctions, goes into overdrive
At all the sensations: scents and sounds and sights.
On a sweltering summer day,
Hot breeze wafts through the window and onto your face.
Your head spins, drowsy from the heat,
And from the exhaustion compounded by a lack of decent sleep.
Because you wake everyday, in the middle of the night,
From nightmares that feature you as a child.
You were ten and you stuck out in the crowd
You were bigger, chubbier, your cheeks a little round,
And the aunties and uncles made you feel small
And their kids emulated, imitating their actions.
They sneered, they laughed, they pointed their fingers
Making nasty remarks, they judged and they hated.
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You thought you outgrew these complicated emotions...
But how, how can you?
You've been abused since you were only two;
Touched and prodded in your own room
In the safety confines of your home
By a man who was trusted by your dad and your mom.
And how could they know?
Your parents, your siblings, the kids or the world?
Who can you trust and who can you love?
Who can you tell all these truths? To whom can you divulge all of the hurt?
Who would just listen to you
Unbiased, without derision or ridicule?
No mortal alive is capable of this.
Neither living nor dead can serve as witness for she.
Maybe the sun and the moon, the sky and the sea?
Maybe the mountains, the forests and all the wild beasts?
And God sat in heaven above.
Only these beings she can trust.
Now something bites at your heart,
Now your world is shrouded in grays and in blacks.
Shadows haunt you in your sleep.
You get no respite even while you drift through your dreams.
You are stuck in a constant perplexity,
You are entangled within a web of your crippling anxiety.
You are as human as they are.
Your blood runs red in your skin like theirs.
Why are you treated this way?
Why are you unable to get away from this cage?
Someone, please, hand her the keys
So she can escape.
Please gift her some wings
So she can fly far, far away.
©Loi
