Severance
Making the choice
Sometimes, it’s hard to believe that I’m here right now. I have experienced a lot of confusion, disgust, and anger towards the reasons I chose to leave my college town. I was failing at school, I was depressed and addicted to a variety of things, and to top it off, I was in a chaotic relationship. All of this combined, mixed well for a literal breakdown. Which it did. Several times. The last few months I spent there, soaking up my freedom and my environment, were exactly the reasons I left. I drank waaay too much, smoked every day, slept instead of going to class, woke up playing house, and did it all over. The cycle was deteriorating my mental health, and I was losing relationships with my family and friends.
Choosing my battles
I am self-aware, and I have always been. I journal often and can sit and listen to my thoughts to better understand myself. Being self-aware in this situation, I feel, made it easier for me to continue doing what I wanted because I thought I knew what I was doing. I continued to neglect my needs to live a fast life — the men, the non-stop partying, and the toxins I put in my body, and I still thought I was in control. I can say that to this day, I am not certain of why God put all the things in my life to take them out, but I have never lost my faith that it was for a much bigger reason than I can see.
Starting over
The decision to move was a challenge for me, and it was even harder to actually move back home. I am eternally grateful for my family, as they have always done their best to support me through life. Still, I didn’t want to come home after having all my freedom because it felt like starting back at square one. It was HARD, but I knew that’s what I needed to do for myself to finish school and have the life I knew I wanted. Nobody understood, and I didn’t completely understand myself. “Nothing changes, if nothing changes” is the quote that gave me the courage to change my reality. It was so dark for me, and starting over felt like I had failed myself. This is when I decided there was nowhere else to go but up from here.
Pushing forward
At times, I reminisce on the experiences I had, and of course, it’s still bittersweet. Right now, I just miss my space and freely basking in solitude. It’s also a lonely space to navigate when you make a tremendous change with no direction to go in after it. It took a lot of faith, growth, and maturity for me to make that change, which has given me space to learn and reflect on it.
Opening a new door
There should be a space for people who want to express their thoughts and experiences when they have no one else. By sharing, I am opening that space for others to do the same. I have lots and lots to share and digest, and I am excited that I am finally doing it outside my journal. If you are reading this, this is your sign that you can definitely face that fear — if I did it, you can too.
Creating the space I needed
After all the trouble and the fighting with making a hard choice that I didn’t want but knew that I needed to make, I surrendered to just being. To allow myself the internal space I needed to process everything in my life, I had to just be.
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I am here now. I’m ready to explore deeper by expressing the parts of myself that I never found the courage to. This is my authentic journey to self-discovery, and I’m elated to see where it’s going. I took that leap because, as you can see, “Nothing changes if nothing changes.”
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