The Scars on My Yoga mat
A quiet reflection on the hidden cost — and gifts — of transformation.
As the sun started to shine through the trees into the apartment, I smelled the fresh air, and finally grabbed my yoga mat and rolled it out.
Somehow it looked and felt different than I remembered.
It was much cleaner than I thought, which was surprising.
But also a lot thinner.
I looked at the landscape of all the paw-prints, gently moving my fingers across all the little holes and scratches…
Suddenly, the yoga mat felt more like scars than happy memories of all the fur babies that I encountered.
It almost felt like the scars on my emotional body.
Only yesterday I was scrolling through my photos on my phone, looking for a certain video, when I found myself walking down memory lane through the first part of my digital nomad journey.
I expected to see the pain, fear, and trauma written all over my face.
Shockingly, I saw hope, victory, and happiness.
I realised that the most painful, surreal or even unsettling phases of my journey were only captured by my mind, my Soul, and deeply anchored in my body, but still…
What I saw and what I remembered didn’t sync up.
And honestly, I was glad it didn’t.
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Of course, I experienced moments of bliss, happiness, peace, and love even… The latter mostly in the presence of animals.
But the biggest part of my journey was filled with fear, pain, stress, survival, and loneliness.
I felt hopeless, lost and victimised more than I could count… yet I also now feel the difference between the version of me who started this journey and the one who is consciously now walking it.
Which was all part of my becoming.
And now… the growth and transformation lives in my bones and is encoded in my cells.
But I can also feel the weight of this journey echoing through my emotional, and physical body.
What makes it worth it, is realising how fulfilled, and whole I feel deep within.
How much I have embodied my essence.
How strong, and capable I am and always have been.
While the process of grieving, integrating and stabilising continues in tiny pieces, I finally hit a phase when I started to build a life, not only endure it.
A chapter where I’m moving with life, instead of fighting it.
Where I understand the purpose of my journey better, and I can relate to myself and my reality differently.
Knowing that I can feel abundant, while being broke…
I can feel complete and proud, while having nothing to my name.
I can feel at peace, in bliss and in love with life, while walking this journey in solitude…
I can feel safe, held and supported, while constantly moving in uncertainty.
This is only one of the biggest gifts this unexpected leap of faith into the unknown has given me.
