Dear John,
This is my first handwritten letter I’ve written in years. My penmanship will probably be unable to be read at times, so sorry in advance.
Sitting here at Panera Bread, thinking. Most times that is a very bad past time. Didn’t plan on writing anything to anyone; I had my notebook here to just…write.
Journaling, I call it. Heard years ago that it helps with overthinking, so since it doesn’t cost anything, thought I’d give it a try. Don’t journal every day, but for me it does seem to help to some extent.
I’m going to unload on you here. Not for advice or suggestions or even, well, anything for that matter. Was actually going to journal about nothing again, but somehow telling another person seemed like a good idea. So here I am. If you read this, thank you.
Where do I begin? Probably now would be good. I was told by an ophthalmologist I needed cataract surgery. So, I had the surgery done in October, and I haven’t been able to see clearly since then. He said my eye is swollen behind it and gave me a steroid shot in my eye, which did not help. He then prescribed drops, which I have been using for 3 months now. They have not helped at all. He suggested I see his associate to consult on what can be done to enable my eye to recover.
I can go back and forth on the fact I shouldn’t have had this surgery done at all or at least not have him do it. But that will not change the fact that my right eye is totally blurry and my vision is gone in the center.
I checked other retina specialists, and there is one in Rockford that will see me with a referral. The timing of trying to fix this is extremely important; the sooner the better increases the chance of a better outcome.
I don’t even know if I want my eye touched again. After five surgeries trying to correct my vision by doctors claiming they will be the ones that will fix everything. I’m definitely stressing about something that hasn’t even happened yet. I guess I’m just tired of people saying this or that will make it better and it doesn’t. I want to be able to see clearly.
After the cataract surgery, I had an eye exam for contacts. He couldn’t make a prescription for me to see clearly. So here I am, bumming around not being able to see like I did before the surgery. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a whole lot better than this. I could go all the way back to before I had any surgery at all fifty years ago and gripe about that. I’d love to be able to just wear glasses. So there is ordeal number one.
On to ordeal number two… Wanting some kind of job I can do without needing to see. I recently renewed my paraprofessional certification, but I have zero experience. Well hell, I wrote down everything I have been certified to do; it’s pretty diverse.
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Interior decorator, accountant assistant, certified nursing assistant. personal trainer, paraprofessional, and phlebotomist. A little bit of nothing much, but I liked learning all of it. This is really whining, isn’t it? Like I said, I was going to write to myself, but sometimes it’s nice to have someone to just listen, nod, and care as much as I do. Granted it’s a letter, but I still feel you can do all of that.
I had a really close friend for forty years, actually. She passed away from cancer right before I moved here. So I’m back to no one to bounce this crap off of. Talking to myself gets old, and there isn’t a lot of feedback there. I’m tired of listening to my own complaints.
I really need a vacation. I am going to take one soon, not sure where yet. I’m just concentrating on being able to drive in Chicago traffic to get to the airport. OMG, if I say one more thing about worrying, I’m going to shoot myself. Not literally, I just do not want to worry about stuff all the time. I can do the best I can, and things will turn out how they turn out. I am not going to be worrying all the time. I’ll take the trip after the surgery or before, whatever. I’m rambling. I’m frustrated beyond belief. I DO look on the bright side of life. It sure doesn’t sound like it right now, but I do.
I laugh out loud almost every day, and I am grateful for what I have and who I am. The whole point of this letter is to set the PMA down for a minute. I will pick it back up and smile, smile, smile.
I could go on for a few more pages and tell you about the other crap, but it’s 65 degrees outside; I want to enjoy it.
Debating sending even this letter. I know everyone has their burdens to carry, and this just happens to a couple of mine.
I’m sitting here watching the people, and I’ve noticed myself watching ‘couples.’ I really miss being part of a couple. Not for any other reason but just because I miss doing things for another person. I see candy he likes in a store, and I’ll pick it up for him, or when he has a stressful day, I’ll give him a massage. Can’t do that with just anyone. I get to sit here and not have anyone miss me? I feel like a quitter. I should have fought for my life.
I’ve also been having nightmares for just about two years now. The ones where I wake up in a cold sweat. I have them every night.
I am going somewhere in March. I’ll go to a smaller airport. I don’t really want to drive anywhere because of my eyesight. I’ll figure it out. I always do.
Thank you for reading this.
I love you John.
