Xenia, part 2: we should leave no parts behind.
“Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind.”
This is a series. Click here for part 1.
THE IRONY when Disney, of all companies, is more mindful of xenia in their works of fiction than some people who claim to draw actual inspiration from Antiquity (such as JK Rowling). I’m talking about the quote you’re seeing in the title here. It’s from Lilo and Stitch (2002). No, guys, I’m not saying Disney is wise. I’m saying the bar is embarrassingly low. In fact, I keep agreeing with the wise pagan principles in works that never claimed to be inspired by paganism, whereas the media that is ostentatiously “witchy” makes me eyeroll. Let’s add that to the gazillion reasons why I’m abandoning this blog and my overall presence in “spiritual” communities. (The words in quotes are indeed sarcastic here. I think they’re wishful. The thing is… I’m not very inclined to wishful thinking. I’d rather concern myself with the naked truth).
But before I rant about what I’m briefly mentioning above, let me make one thing clear:
Xenia DOES NOT obligate anyone to do away with their boundaries.
What xenia orders, instead, is that we should all default to giving strangers grace. In other words: we should all avoid prejudice or similarly fear-based ways of relating to each other. Only after we see red flags, boundaries should be considered. Rinse and repeat for every interaction ever, over and over again, no matter how much “life experience” (translating: traumas that try to make you take fear-based decisions) you have. Instead of anxiously and obsessively trying not to leave any parts behind “no matter what”… Xenia simply states that we should do our very best towards that end. Sometimes, it doesn’t work — and then, fair enough, let’s cut some ties — but let’s not DEFAULT to burning our bridges at the smallest sign of an inconvenience. Otherwise, we’re just apes in the wild, living in chaos, and can’t have a society.
Even with the caveat above in mind… Is it an easy task? Hell no! It’s never easy. If it was easy, we wouldn’t need to be reminded of it! But we should at least strive for it. And this act of striving for xenia is the bit that an uncomfortable number of neopagans, occultists, newage, and other alternative spirituality practitioners don’t seem to wanna do. This is why, I’ve said it and will repeat it again, I want nothing to do with these communities anymore.
What is people’s default mindset in the majority of cases? The polar opposite of xenia, of course. Instead of giving each other grace at first impression, no, we judge each other before uttering a single word based on looks and background and other pre-decided criteria that our prejudice dictates. This has been true since the dawn of times. It’s why Jesus was ranting about it in the goddamn Bible! It wasn’t in vain that he said “love thy neighbour”. (I’ll get more in-depth into Biblical support for xenia, as well as Christian hypocrisy, in the next articles in this series, but enjoy this little taste here).
“But what does a Ministry of Magic do?”
“Well, their main job is to keep it from the Muggles that there’s still witches an’ wizards up an’ down the country.”
“Why?”
“Why? Blimey, Harry, everyone’d be wantin’ magic solutions to their problems. Nah, we’re best left alone.”
-Chapter 5, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.
The Harry Potter series, for better or for worse, is one of the main gateway drugs to occultism and neopaganism. That’s not to say everyone who reads/watches Harry Potter eventually becomes interested in alternative spirituality (because no… A lot of atheists, Jews and Christians are perfectly capable of being fans of the series, and this has always been the case) but you can’t deny that the world is also full of occultists who wouldn’t have found their passion if it wasn’t for Harry Potter’s playful introduction into it.
A lot of us were around when the series was first launched, and we weren’t mature enough to be capable of proper discernment. I know I definitely wasn’t! So I’m among the people who didn’t find the passage above alarming at all. Only today, re-reading my old book, I’m feeling appalled. I’m talking specifically about Harry Potter because of how famous it became worldwide. I know there are other series about similar themes (in fact, I know and much prefer now The Worst Witch), but you’d be lying if you said everybody knows these other series.
Although we’re briefly discussing fiction here, it can’t be underestimated because of the effect it tends to have on our psyche. Yes, it’s fiction, and no, nobody believes it for real — but you’d be surprised how many biases you can embed into a fictional story and “smuggle” into people’s minds without their noticing, because they’re too busy noticing the entertaining fictional bits instead. Furthermore, whether it’s Harry Potter or some other story, both past and future, the bias I’m analysing here tends to be a recurring theme among humans. This is what I’m talking about:
The idea that fear-based decisions (such as hiding from an entire group of people because of your pre-conceived idea of what they would do if they knew about you) are a good and unquestionable thing.
Right?
This is what the above passage in Harry Potter (and a lot of other passages in other works of fiction — perhaps not as obviously stated as the one I cited here, but nonetheless present) is communicating. It might seem innocent because it’s “wizards” and “muggles”, haha, how entertaining. Yeah, right, replace those words though. Try “white people” and “black people” for example. Men and women. Cis and trans, anyone? You’ll see the problem.
Even if this muggle prejudice was present in the series, but subverted or challenged later on, it would have been okay; But no! It goes entirely unchallenged and undiscussed throughout the full 7 books (and 8 films). That’s… A choice.
Worse still: the fact no-one, fan or not, has pointed it out… Is very telling of what we consider “normal” in this day and age (namely: braking xenia… Which is why narcissism reigns supreme today… Which is why we are in the dumpster fire that we see every day in the news).
“But Lucy, what’s wrong with portraying some characters’ anxiety before the unknown?”, maybe you’re wondering.
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My answer to that is: there are ways AND WAYS to tackle that. As we currently stand, in this day and age, we’ve been collectively choosing the absolutely worst way to go about it. I mean: (if we keep to Harry Potter’s example, for the sake of simplicity here), there are many possible explanations for why an entire category of humans (the wizards) would avoid another entire category of humans (the muggles). For example: Hagrid could have told Harry “we were persecuted in the Middle Ages and it didn’t end well for either side” (signalling a boundary established because of a red flag that was already experienced); or “History tells us the muggles are envious of our magic and don’t know how to coexist with us because of these hard feelings” (signalling a boundary as a result of a similar red flag)… But no! What did Rowling choose, instead? Greed. “Oh, they will want us to share with them. No! Sharing bad!”
Ehhhhmmmmmm…. Jesus would like a word. So would Zeus. So would Odin. Etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.
Observe how I’m not advocating for a world (fictional or not… This is valid for both) where everyone loves everyone unconditionally and sings kumbaya together. I’m accounting for the differences, disagreements and conflicts that normally arise among humans. Again, I’ll repeat: xenia is not about pretending we don’t have a dark side; Instead, it’s about not allowing this dark side to become our default, our go-to response.
“Oh but it’s because of trauma”
This is what a lot of people (overwhelmingly neopagans in their majority… *huuuuge sigh*) tends to tell me when I get into this topic. As if “having trauma” was carte blanche to bypass every bit of psychological healing and development. As if it was justifiable to default to an unwise and (frankly…) childish way of relating to one another simply because we can’t be arsed to do the inner work to become better humans. AND TO SAY THAT AS A SPIRITUALIST!!! For god’s sake! If it were coming from the mouths of total sceptics who don’t give a fuck about self-improvement, okay, I can excuse that… But neopagans? Really????? What the actual fuck, people. Are you ever going to grow up? Please?
The thing about xenia is it doesn’t make room for exceptions. Either you practice it, or you don’t.
This is where we come back from the tangent above and return to the topic signalled by the title of the article: you can’t have double standards regarding “being a good guest” and “being a good host”. No, not even if you feel animosity towards the person/group you’re dealing with. You cannot, and I mean YOU CANNOT have double standards here and feel somehow superior to the boomers we discussed in the last article in this series just because they flat-out refuse xenia, and you’re pretending to uphold it. Pretending isn’t enough.
In fact, the entire premise of diplomacy (even in the law, the way it exists internationally today) is an offshoot of the Ancient law rooted on xenia — this is why diplomacy is for “dealing with the other” in the general sense of the word. It’s not about dealing with your favourite other, or dealing with the other whom you don’t disagree with, or [insert narrow criteria here]. Nope! It’s broad. It’s dealing with the other, PERIOD.
The entire idea behind a lot of the inner workings of the modern world is rooted in Greek and Roman Antiquity, and this is why I even bothered becoming a Hellenist (since I’m concerned with how things work in practice and not just ideals), but that’s a topic for another day, and I digress.
This is where we need to address the self-centeredness and the ungratefulness towards community that drives much of western modern society (INCLUDING the main dynamics I see within spiritualist communities). For example:
Spiritualists today pretend to be on the right path, but they’re leaving parts of themselves and parts of others behind. “Oh, I’ll completely quit my 9-to-5 to go work with astrology”. Honey… What about all the people who depended on your 9-to-5? Were they mere pawns in the game of chess that is your life? How narcissistic. I’m not saying don’t be an astrologer. I’m saying there’s no need for an abrupt change. Gradual changes are gentler on everyone and give everyone time to adapt and recalculate their own routes too. But you must consider that the universe doesn’t spin around you (or, in other words, don’t be narcissistic). There’s also an element of bravery here, because you need courage to admit to the world that you’re no longer conforming 100% to society’s expectations. It’s easier to do that abruptly, because when you suddenly “disappear” from your old circle and leave everyone to fend for themselves without you, you simply reinvent your whole life and don’t have to deal with explaining to anyone or anything that remains in your life what’s going on. Yeah, I regret to inform but that kind of attitude is approval-seeking. It signals extrinsic motivation (As in: “I can only feel okay if I know beyond doubt that everybody around me will unconditionally accept and never question my lifestyle; god forbid anyone among them dare go as far as getting curious! That’s slightly uncomfortable and will make me get rid of them on the spot”).
You know who else isn’t capable of tolerating the slightest discomfort? Narcissists.
“Oh but I have trauma; I grew up in a very authoritarian family; etc”.
I’m not saying there can’t be valid reasons why a lot of “spiritualists” behave the way they do. Of course there are reasons! The thing is… Why exactly do you think it’s wise to let your trauma steer your life, while you sit on the passenger’s seat and don’t feel even as much as an inkling to question what’s going on? I thought you gave a damn about spirituality?!
So, I’m going to repeat, like a broken record: either you choose to follow the law of xenia, or you don’t. There’s no in-between.
People who *do* care about respecting xenia get left behind in this narcissistic “spiritual” community because we’re not playing the same fear-based game of life.
I could be talking from a place of pessimism here. Honestly, I hope I am. Nonetheless, I need to express it: it seems to me that it wasn’t any of the individual fall outs with specific people in the spiritual community that caused me to get so isolated within it. It wasn’t even my own admitted mistakes. It was the fact I am committed to xenia above all things, whereas other people in this community seem to put xenia on the very bottom of their list of priorities… If at all.
The most basic of basic laws in all of paganism (yes, I’m talking about Ancient paganism here). In the BOTTOM of modern revivalists’ list of priorities. Make that make sense. Oh but they think tolerance to “thy neighbour” is only a Christian thing, and they wanna rebel against all things that exist in Christianity like a bunch of angsty teenagers. I forgot.
I have lost count of how many times I and others have been completely cancelled or ostracised over some pretty resolvable disagreements with a wider “spiritual” community… if only this community gave a fuck about xenia in the first place.
Just a few days ago, I witnessed a bunch of Hellenic pagans pretend to uphold xenia whilst simultaneously excluding a part of their own community because they lack the blood/hereditary component. “Oh, we’re not excluding, we’re just saying you can’t call yourself a Hellenic pagan if you’re not ethnically Hellenic”, some retorted. No, that’s the facade excuse. Not only is it objectively wrong (because “Hellenic” here is clearly referring to the paganism, not the person), but it’s also a troll argument. Underneath it, you want to create division in the community over a technicality. You want foreigners who worship Greek gods to bend over backwards labeling themselves in a way that won’t irk you because you’re not happy welcoming everybody as equals. And it’s a REVIVED practice, like oh my god! We’re not even talking about an unbroken tradition. It’s so infuriating… You’re leaving some parts behind, giving people differentiated treatment based on factors out of their control and calling it xenia. That’s nazi-coded. Stop it.
DO NOT GET ME STARTED on the Historic evidence for a multi-ethnic Hellenic empire in the past. Or would you like me to remind you some of the ruins are in today’s Turkey and Egypt? Would you? Shall I rekindle that old conflict now, just to show you how hypocritical and self-centered you’re being? Yeah, let’s not. DO NOT MAKE ME REMIND YOU how much of this discourse is coming from the diaspora and not Greeks with a Greek passport. Chances are I’ve been to Greece more times than you. Oh I’m sorry for the rudeness, but when people act narcissistically, they don’t usually get the memo when I’m all sweetness and flowers.
Example aside — just to give you a taste of what I mean — I have lost much of my faith in humanity regarding xenia. More so with the spiritual communities of this day and age. That said, I’m not entirely pessimistic. I don’t think spiritualists in general are doomed. In fact, they’re just getting started. They are, in their majority, at the worst possible rock bottom. Okay, good news! We can only elevate ourselves from here.
