Why a “Bonus Mom”?
Almost 5 years ago, I met my partner. I knew right away he had a young daughter, and this didn’t stop me from wanting to know both of them. Being a young 24-year-old and just getting my career started, you’d probably think “Why get involved?”. I feel like I can help. I feel like I can teach her additional things. I can bring a different perspective. I can push her to be the best girl/woman possible. I want to help raise her to encourage her to change the world for the better.
The other thing I’ve known since I was really young: I want to adopt at least one child. And let me be clear, I say child not baby. I’m not a baby person. Does this make me evil and horrible? Maybe you said yes and you’re right to your own opinion. Hopefully you don’t think I’m horrible though! I don’t get the enjoyment from a baby. I’m extremely independent. I love conversing with others, even if it’s with a young child. Our fur babies have been my main dependents, including our husky, enough said. I love when young kids start to learn how to do things like put their dishes away, make their bed, clean up after themselves, and so much more as they grow up (like scooping poop!). Seeing their reaction after doing a great job is so rewarding! Sure, there are rewards babies provide to people, I’m just not one of those people (maybe right now, maybe forever).
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When we started dating though, I ensured him it wouldn’t scare me away. Navigating this modern parenting world has definitely been an interesting ride; I think anyone close to us would agree! Modern families are hard. There’s nothing easy about them, but parenting shouldn’t be easy in general. The one stigma I wanted to avoid from the start (and yes I brought this up before we had any marriage conversations) is avoiding the term “step” mom. Think back to Cinderella… her step mom and step sisters were HORRIBLE. I can think of more negative situations with step-parents than I can think of positive ones, which it’s extremely unfortunate because these people (good or bad) come into a blended family. Again, I reiterate how difficult these blended families can be! It’s two different houses with different parenting styles with different expectations at each one with so many more influencers that can affect the way the child grows up.
“Bonus” mom (which, let me be crystal clear since we’re not married yet I’m still hesitant to even reference myself with this title) has a nicer ring than step mom. It’s positive, uplifting, bright, and really showing that this parent is in-addition to the actual parents. Thankfully this term is becoming more common. I actually learned about it from country music singer, Chris Janson. The second I heard the term, I knew “step” was removed from my vocabulary. It’s one of those things, if I hear anyone else call me a step-parent, I quickly correct them to either say “her dad’s girlfriend” (which is the realistic title) or “bonus mom” depending on who it is.
Now that my partner’s daughter is almost 9, I know we’re coming up on the pre-teen and super scary years. But I think about how my mom raised me. She was strict (not as strict as Dad), but she cared. My mom (usually) made decisions for a reason. (I was that brat who went to Dad if I didn’t like her reason. Sorry Mom!) She knew when to parent and when to be my friend. We became way closer as I got older, and of course when I moved out. I want to do the same thing. I want my boyfriend’s daughter/bonus daughter to know I’m in her corner, no matter what. I might get mad when she does something wrong, but the number one lesson is to learn from mistakes. I’m here to help her learn and to guide her towards her dreams.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the biological, adoptive, and bonus moms. You’re all incredible and keep doing the best you can. (Gotta shout out the fur baby mommas out there too.)
