It’s Back
The return of the monster
Well, January sure isn’t shaping into the month I thought it was going to be. On January 8th or 9th, I got sick with what I thought was a cold, but on January 12th or 13th, I had no sense of taste or smell. Upon getting physically sick, my depression decided to come back full swing. The last five or so days have been some of my worst. I begin every morning vomiting from anxiety, I end every day begging God to let me just not wake up, and I sleep with my mother like a baby because I’m afraid of being alone. I stare at the clock all day fearful I’ve missed something while internally not caring at all if I did. I spend every waking moment questioning why I even want to fight this battle again when two weeks ago I was joyful and content. Depression is a mystery, but unfortunately today after three years, I had to be prescibed store bought serotonin for a while to save my life yet again. Do I feel like I’m failing? Yes. Do I know if I don’t take it I’ll survive? No. I preach to other people store bought is the same as the real thing, and yet sitting in the white-walled office today, I questioned my strength and my mind and body. Why can’t I just snap out of it? Why can’t I think logically? Why can’t I see my value and purpose? So, tomorrow, 1/21/2022, I will start taking some added assistance to level out again and be myself. No one can answer the thousands of questions of “why again” that run through my mind, and that’s what funny about depression.
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Remember when I said in a previous article that medication saved my life once; turns out, that little orange pill came in handy again.
