Breeding Grounds: Reproductive Futurity, K-Ph.D (Part I)
Today I am going to share a completely un-edited Letter to the Editor I submitted to the Baylor Lariat on October 22, 2015 responding this column by one Thomas Mott titled “Not Interested? Then Don’t Give Him Your Digits.”
My “response” was never Published; I never even received a response from Staff acknowledging receipt.
I wonder why.
Not interested? Then don’t go outside.
Baylor Homecoming is a time to celebrate tradition. Floats are constructed, Pigskin sets memorized, and football tickets price-gauged. This fall, let us not forget about another of the Baylor University Family Industrial Complex’s time-honored traditions: courtship. As I remember being told on my first day of orientation, hundreds of happy couples meet and fall in love on this very campus (“your future husband could be sitting right next to you!”) But in these uncertain times, we must turn our attention to an often-overlooked struggle waged every day on Baylor’s campus by hundreds of brave souls, a struggle that is indeed integral to the very notions of love, strong Christian family-rearing, and even stronger alumni
donations that keep Baylor in business. I speak, of course, of the struggle for digits.
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For the starry-eyed freshman boy who dreams of pledging and the Collins girls, the struggle for the digits begins at Welcome Week. Serenade, the speed-dating version of show choir, makes the process as easy as just lining the girls up and having guys choose — literally. An example email from my friend’s CL to his floor of freshman boys explains that “there will be a LOT of chetties (fine girls) who will be dressing to impress… dress up to attract the girl you would like to date… super classy with bow tie, dress shirt and
slacks for a classy girl.” Another friend explained to me that his CL told the freshmen that if they didn’t receive five phone numbers, they’d be spanked.
As if building the courage to adopt a false persona in order to “attract” the right girl and having your CL literally threaten your ass isn’t enough pressure, some girls even have the nerve to say no. But the real
saboteurs aren’t the girls who reject the young suitors up front. No, the real evil lies in the harlots who practice a darker craft, veiled behind deception and illusion. They give you their number… and never text back. For generations, these sirens have been weaving tales of deception in order to trick men into lavishing attention on them. Wearing yoga pants to class and rolling her sleeves up to expose her shoulders at the SLC, she clearly signals her intent to mate. But just when that study group finally gets
you into her contacts, betrayal strikes.
The long-standing silence on the struggle for the digits was broken recently by polo-sporting SMS warrior Thomas Mott, who we’ll just assume ate something sour before his columnist picture was taken. Mott weaves a lucid depiction of the struggle: “you see a girl you find attractive. Eventually, you build up the courage to talk to her and possibly even get her number. Later on the next day, you decide to text her and set up a date. Then, the worst happens: she doesn’t reply.”
Fellow ladies, I now turn my attention to you. For shame. Remember, giving out your phone number is a contractual obligation to come and kiss your man’s boat shoes at his beck and call, bound not by your silly “words” or “desires” but rather the ability of some freshman you only met for 30 seconds to gauge your interest in them. Never mind that rejecting a guy on face can be intimidating in a country where mass murderers write manifestos about the women who turned them down. Love is dangerous!
Courtship has rules, and fortunately our campus is loaded with vigilant souls like Mott who have taken it upon themselves to enforce them. If you’re not interested in the process of courtship, don’t even speak
to new people. If you wouldn’t date a guy, don’t talk to him or try to be his friend. If you’re taken, consider wearing a tag that indicates you have already been claimed. During Homecoming, when amour
and pumpkin spice are in the air, you might want to stay inside.
So, future patriarchs, don’t give up the dream of one day returning in the fall with your own Baylor wife. Go out there and find a girl that wants to go on a date, but also has the same level of need for attention and validation as you. If she’s the one, then she’ll always text you back. If not, don’t be afraid to get back out there using the exact same approach. As Mott explains, “you did nothing wrong.”
Absolutely nothing.
