Single, Married, or Somewhere In-Between
The Spectrum of Womanhood and The Freedom to Flow
There has been a recent trend over social media: women demonstrating the perks of remaining single – the late mornings, no rush to abide by someone else’s routine, enjoying peace and solitude without unwanted interventions. Similarly, another set of women are rallying to become “Trad wives” – returning to older structures, discarding economic autonomy, and embracing the domestic roles of wifehood and motherhood.
This polarity is everywhere. Women who are or want to be mothers cannot stop glorifying motherhood. Similarly, a group of women celebrate childfreeness equally vociferously.
Women who remain childfree are definitely more criticised by society than their opponents. They often prioritise their freedom and autonomy, the sanctity of their bodies. The idea of sacrificing one’s own life to nurture another is strictly unpleasant for them. Then there is the environmental threat: climate deterioration, rising numbers of complicated diseases, and, not to mention, economic and political turbulence. It is thoroughly understandable if someone decides not to bring a life into such a world.
Pro-motherhood advocates argue that choosing not to give life is pessimism – one should give chances to life. Who knows, the future generation may one day grow up to tackle all the universal problems and find happiness.
Similarly, heterosexual women who have decided to remain single speak from their experiences with men – some primary, some secondary. They have read history and seen their mothers and grandmothers reduced to non-human existences. Naturally, they grow cautious of a life living with a creature known for causing a majority of the violence and disruption in the world – men.
But those returning to domesticity argue that patriarchal work is everywhere the same. The men who suppressed women at home are the very men who become colleagues and bosses. The suppression continues. Therefore, for them, staying home and tolerating one man’s tyranny is better than tolerating a dozen’s oppression in the outside world. At home, at least, they can hope to be understood, by virtue of personal engagement, over the cutthroat corporate race where none would care about personal sentiments.
If you look at posts from both camps, one thing becomes clear: most of them are trying to prove the validity of their beliefs over the opponents – as though they are trying to convince not just others, but also themselves of the rightness of their choices. Some of these posts are purely ways to garner social media brownie points, but the very fact that so many such posts exist, and so many women are viewing and liking them, shows a hidden need for validation. What we believe others also believe always has a validating impact on our psyche – after all, biologically, we are social animals, and we tend to form herds of like-minded people. What surprises me most is that both camps have almost equal numbers of followers, as well as haters shaming them on social media. No matter which camp a woman belongs to, she is trolled for her choices. The language used is not just mean, but often verges on threats. The underlying subtext is simple: you must follow my sentiment, or face the consequences.
What I argue here is that the problem lies in the very act of choosing. Why choose in the first place? To choose between polarities is essentially a masculine way of thinking – if one is right, the other must be wrong. Feminine understanding recognises duality. In fact, there is never any strict polarity. Everything exists on a spectrum – you can fall anywhere in between. This very fluidity is the key to addressing today’s divisive society. Binary thinking permeates not just social discourse, but also our personal choices.
If we look closely, today’s society is increasingly polarised. From religion to politics, everywhere there is a clear-cut dictate: you must pick a side – praise one at the expense of abusing another. And this praise, by the way, must be unadulterated by any kind of criticism. Binary thinking demands absoluteness. Criticism breaks the binary, and breaking binaries is considered disloyal in the masculine system.
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That is why masculine systems hate emotions. Emotions collude with the demarcating lines. Meanwhile, they stress sentiments – orthodoxy, jingoism, and cult-like followings. Sentiments are safe; they can be built, broken, and channelled as per wishes. Sentiments require binaries because the more binary a sentiment, the more intense it becomes. Sentiment forces one to pick a side so strongly that they feel obliged to convert others to their beliefs. The hate comments I mentioned earlier are an example of this.
Feminine structures of argument, on the other hand, understand this differently. Women who want to be mothers or remain childfree are the two sides of the same spectrum, which operates on the principle of autonomy. One side leans toward independence, sometimes hyper-independence, and the other leans toward bonding, sometimes codependency. Autonomy is central in both choices. But there is a middle path, a path favoured by many philosophers, including Shakyamuni Buddha. Feminine perspectives see that you can remain in the middle without having to choose either extreme.
Going with the flow, if you will. Stay single and work on yourself; if one day you find someone equally awakened who treats you with respect and equality, you may go ahead with them – not out of need, but for the sake of pure happiness. This ensures fulfillment both in solitude and in company. But why marry for marriage’s sake?
Bring a child only if you can protect its soul in this turbulent world – keeping it unsullied not just from the muck of jealousy, competition, and lack mentality outside, but also from your own unaddressed inner demons. Why bring a child to fulfil a societal role, to thrust your unfulfilled dreams onto its shoulders, or use it as a retirement investment? Why not bring it purely for the fulfilment of its beautiful mission as a human being?
If that sounds too much, women have ways to use their creative energy in many constructive ways which are no less precious and beautiful than bringing another life to this planet. That is the thought of the middle way. The middle way is equilibrium, and its balancing point is set on a question: “Why?” Why stay single? Why make family? Why invest in motherhood? Why pursue the journey of self-discovery? The idea is to know thyself.
In the world of patriarchy, that is the redeeming hope; otherwise, the opposing camp will always attack and try to convert you to their sentiments. But once we know, we cannot unknow it – we cannot unsee that in the very need to choose lies the menace of patriarchy.
If we probe deeply, we shall find that the woman who wants to stay solitary does not necessarily hate other human beings; she hates the patriarchal dogma that seeks to control and dictate her life. Women who are returning to domesticity are more often craving the feminine environment of compassion and rest. And when they return, they hope not to encounter the oppression their foremothers had to endure, but a world free from patriarchal tyranny.
This leads us to a more fundamental question: women are running from patriarchy in some way or the other. If patriarchy remains intact – at home, in the office, in domesticity, or in solitude – can women ever be truly happy and free? I am not the first to ask this question, nor will I be the last. No matter which camp you belong to, you cannot deny its validity.
But none of us will reach the answer until we arrive at the middle point of another spectrum: masculinity. Patriarchy, as we understand it today, is different from masculinity. While related, it exists somewhere along the spectrum, depending on its toxicity. Too much masculinity becomes oppressive and domineering; too little becomes chaotic.
Healthy masculinity is often seen as a safe holding space that can sustain feminine energy – like a vessel holding the fluidity of water or a conduit channeling electricity. The vessel gives shape to the water; the conduit channels the electricity without forceful interference. Likewise, the middle point of masculinity is presence without control – showing up and standing by, understanding and celebrating the fluidity of femininity, not just in the women in his life, but within his own life.
In nature, yin cannot exist without yang; darkness cannot exist without light – they are two sides of the same spectrum. When masculine and feminine in humanity reach perfect balance, we achieve an equilibrium where there is no need for choice, as all choices coexist harmoniously.
Happy Women’s Day!
