Try for another
A dream is a wish your heart makes. The wish for another child… It’s there. At a constant. I’m all emotion yet clear of mind. Well, clear of mind as to the facts of my situation. As to the decision to try or not, that’s another facet of clarity, which swings like a pendulum. I haven’t yet come to terms with finding a solution to move ahead or closing the door altogether although it’s leaning on the latter. The door is sadly about to shut, whether I choose it or not.
Having several children was always in my life’s path. Or so I thought. Finding lasting love and companionship as well. Not so. When hope had just about dwindled and despair had gotten a good hold on me, my son arrived. It was like a freight train with the loudest bells and the lightest of lights that came charging and just swept me up in a whirlwind of the unknown: happiness. The miracle that is my son is the love of my life. Considering the options to expand our family doesn’t take anything away from that. The opposite, in fact.
One of my greatest blessings in life is my siblings. The unity. The exchange. The support. The love. The company. I want him to have that. But life is unfair. And sometimes that is hard to get past. Everyone has battles to conquer and work through, I don’t doubt or refute that. But they are certainly not equal in measure. I’m blessed beyond measure but I know what pain and suffering feels like. Being alone in the feat to create a family is difficult, not just in the obvious steps in which it occurs but in the choices to be made, in the support that’s craved, the sorrows not halved and joys not doubled.
Not having a life partner limits choices. Let me stress that I’m not indifferent to the many challenges those with a partner face as well. Not at all. Involuntary childlessness, regardless of the cause and circumstances is painful. Plain and simple.
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But I am sharing my story, and being in it alone… it is different. I can’t naturally “try” for another baby on my own. I don’t have anyone to share my thoughts with, my dreams, my disappointments. I don’t have a shoulder to cry on or anyone to boost my spirit when I need it. When considering adoption, insemination or IVF, I am alone to carry that financial burden, which is increased for such things as donated sperm.
The cost is further increased because of my age. In Sweden, at 39 and below, artificial insemination and IVF is free for single mothers. This recent change in the law happened the year I turned 40. Adoption is an option but my age counts against me, so does the fact that I’m single. And then there’s the cost. Always, the cost. To be a foster parent and give love where love and stability are needed most is something I have always wanted to do. But, I need more space to be considered and I don’t have the finances to move to a larger home at this point. IVF is not an option for logistical and financial reasons. Insemination is a stretch at my age but even if I wanted to try, counting in all the tests, assessments and fees if I do it in Sweden or travels if I do it abroad, it adds up to more than I have to spare.
Besides the financial side of it, there are other factors to consider. I am a single mother. The logistics of traveling, even to neighboring countries, is more challenging. That is really the least of my concerns but it is one all the same. Another is that I don’t want to spend money, time or energy that is not focused on the son that I do have. Yet another is that it’s so disheartening to even start the fertility assessment here in Sweden. Just about every clinic I’ve inquired prices and options for testing at has been incredibly pessimistic and oftentimes rude in their approach. Many bluntly say I’m too old to even get tested there and the ones that will “allow” it can never let it be unspoken that they disapprove. “I’m not sure if the doctor will see you” or “the chances for you are slim to none”, or “we don’t take anyone at your age”. We’re not even talking about the treatment at this stage, just the testing to see what my options are. This is the reality.
So, I suppose in writing this, I’m working out the emotions and thoughts flooding through my inner soul to find some closure in my decision. It’s plain to see. Facts spelled out illustrate a reality that perhaps the wisest choice is to let my dream go. To give up “trying”. For me. And for my son. There’s sadness in this choice but not close to the depths of which I’ve experienced. That I had to wait until 42 years of age to become a mother for the first time, to live two decades of adulthood without that which would ultimately fulfill me, ripped me apart inside. With the birth of my son, any wounds of the woes of that longing vanished. Repaired in an instant. The fractions of the longing for another will remain in the space of my heart that has love overflowing for the children that were not to be mine. But. I will accept my fate, tuck it away and continue to rejoice over life with the ONE who is mine.
My beloved son! You are galaxies beyond my comprehension of what dreams are made of. Our life is grand in our one bedroom apartment filled to the brim with love. Life is fulfilling and I look forward to every day with you in it. It’s you and me, kid. And that’s a pretty good combo!
