To the Girl I met on the 8th night
This full piece is also posted on my Wattpad account. See https://www.wattpad.com/user/kurzach
Yow before reading this piece, just a few things for you.
- Don’t expect any romance here. You’ll never find any.
- This could challenge how you view guys. This might be hard to accept. I hear you. But it’s necessary to heed this with openness.
I actually never intended to write this at the first place. Heck, I don’t even have any prior plans to revive being a writer since. I was just a working guy now for my career and planning for future research endeavors.
But oh this experience is just something I cannot ignore so much that it feels like a call. People in this same situation would just call it a normal happening or actually just forget about it or not even realize it exists!
Being a male in my 20s. I realized it needed a voice. That the world will know what’s meant to be realized.
So apologies for my clunky grammar, I’ve been trying to write everything after hours of pondering it tonight, while I can still feel the raw emotions I feel. I prefer to write it raw cause it is where I would have the most emotion and connection of my words.
And to that girl? I don’t know if she’ll ever read this. I don’t know if we’ll meet again by the last day but whatever the case, I really appreciate your presence.
So I was attending a Simbang Gabi in our town that one night. It’s my 8th day without a miss. Well, it’s pretty easy to manage ’cause I decided to choose night masses over early mornings. I’m a late riser, probably cause I have some wolf chronotype? Ah basta, I’m not a morning riser.
Anyway, I just thought it’ll be just another ordinary mass. Just me standing at the back still and looking apathetic with my usual face mask and a slingbag.
So here’s the thing, I actually even left the house past 6:30 like I usually do and walked my way to the church. I preferred walking over transpo cause well a bit of exercise feels a bit calming. And walking feels a bit therapeutic just to make me grounded about myself- ah pun intended.
I arrive the usual phase of the mass, barely starting and so I stood at the back because well, the chairs are already full because there were also a lot that attended day by day. Mostly teenagers near me, probably wanted to meet their buddies.
At that night tho, it’s weird that the mass hasn’t even started. Ohh there’s a vacant seat at the very back and I just instinctively sit on it. Hey, there’s a father with a child behind it. This must be the same guy from yesterday, I’m not sure. Darn, it’s not yet starting. I should’ve bring my phone for a bit of entertainment and now, I had to divert my attention to the external world. Forgive me Lord, I have my lapses, but I tried *an emoji with a tear on a forehead side… whatever*.
Anyway, minutes later, there’s this girl asking for a seat: “Excuse me…” and so I instantly moved aside. You know, my usual vibe when standing or sitting near girls on masses I don’t know is being defensive, not the bad way, but the cautious way. Yes, I also had girls sitting near me in previous mass nights, and I would feel stiff and over-conscious. Is my presence not threatening? I don’t wanna be seen as creepy or trying to flirt on her or make a move? How can I act fine?
It’s just a girl. Why are you overanalyzing? Bro, you know society can be fucked up sometimes. Your intentions are not always what the world wants to see. They always default to what the world conditions them to believe. I had to live with that reality. I don’t blame it with all the domestic violences that’s going on but I wish I also have a safe space on my own, man.
But why yes, of course, I still have a side of me that wants to impress. It’s always a social need. I wanted to look good… to feel safe, and I had to live with it. Fuck it actually, in the last years, I’ve been struggling with that shit.
But this night? That girl was different. She exuded a different vibe. Of course in the first minutes, I try to be stiff or act “compressed” like it was my auto response. Now, minutes passed during the mass, her vibe was just kept diverting my attention. Sorry again Lord, I know I should’ve paid full attention to you… but I still had attention on the mass tho… I knew the gospel was about starting with “M-…”, actually I don’t remember sorry. You got me damn. But the homily does focuses about the importance of being present, I guess (?).
Ok I did a quick Google search right now. Yeah it triggered my memory. The priest was talking about how to magnify His presence in our lives. Nah, I didn’t cheat I swear.
Anyway, during homily, I tried to observe her peripherally and noticed: she kinda wears black shirt like mine and had a slingbag (I won’t say the color ’cause it’ll be more obvious, but it didn’t match mine). She also wore glasses.
Hey, she seemed more similar to me than I thought and that’s where I let my guard down. She seemed safe and that’s where it piqued my interest. I was never interested on her as a romantic partner but why is the vibe seems to pull me and engage at that moment. I am also not interested to talk, it’s just the vibe of her being there is just enough to be… soothing, like a deep feeling that I never had before in my life.
You know for years, I was just doing business as a freelance. Never having thoughts on that… but hey, maybe, just maybe… what if that means something?
During that experience, there were two recurring themes that occurred in me.
The first was rethinking how I understood relationships at the first place. I was puzzled at that moment. I only wanted companionship but never romance. I already have plans to go abroad in the next years and I won’t stay here for long. Do I have to find a wife? No, I don’t wanna. but it feels… lonely and I’m also considering a possibility. It sucks to be emotionally attuned with yourself, but feels alienated the moment you wanna share it with others just because who you are.
Another thing. I also had took note of that just this evening on hours pondering about it after the mass. You know every time I have emotional encounters, I would scribble about it and keep it as a note in my phone.
“Ah I see now that this is my only hiatus for me to fully lock in. I have to tame my male energy to stop seeking validation, especially from girls I dont have plans to get married anymore thats why I feel its irrelevant now…. but at that moment, I felt having thoughts on wanna having companionship in life cause it seems fulfilling.”
Yeah, as you can see, it’s kinda tied to how a part of me is tied on the male-female dynamics that’s existing in the popular mainstream now. Naming it as a male energy, when in reality, maybe it was just the part of me that wants to be heard.
“I don’t need sex. Please stop framing like it’s the only thing that’s in my mind. Like you… I just wanted to be understood man.”
Cause frankly, in my early years, I do have male buddies man. True, I appreciate them and to say I don’t is just a hypocrite of me. While I do have male buddies, having female buddies as really just buddies is just super rare and it feels empty. When we talk, I wanted to be seen as genderless. Don’t base me on how I look but base me on what I really feel and think deep inside. This is awfully what I wanted to scream. Please… I exist, and I’m sure there are still some guys out there that resonates with the same voice as I am.
I don’t need to be gay. Oh, the society thinks I have to be gay just to be accepted? Or maybe being a cool guy that allures girls because they would become friends with benefits. Oh no, none of that. I just needed to be myself like I must.. like I have to. I hope you can see through these words that I am truly tired of pretending for myself that I’m not.
Yes, I just needed to be me. To feel safe.
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I actually envied seeing other fellas having girl friends but not romantic way. Of course, both male and female friends and it would complete our holistic understanding of “humanity”. This goes for the lads as well, they have to see through why it makes a guy a guy, without contempt. I hear you, other guys are unsafe. I don’t blame you. What I meant is simply just a bit of openness. You don’t need to sacrifice your socio-emotional safety to understand. You can still understand and empathize without understanding.
Yes, the male energy can be driven on the need to compete at times, to be competent, to feel worthy… through fame, looks, money, status, whatever… because it’s often seen as the protector at least from societal standards. But I believe it’s time we see “emotional protection” as a new reality that must be acknowledged?
Men don’t cry? Fuck that man. I feel what I feel. But yeah really, at this time, I don’t really see any plans for marriage. Parenting is hard, man. I have priorities. I just needed a companion to make this journey a little less lonely without the contract of marriage or even just the social pressure of romance. I just needed you to listen. To make me feel I am there.
Anyway, so those thoughts revolved around me subconsciously that I just managed to verbalize it now, leading to the second theme. True confidence.
In my young naïve years, I’ve been searching how to be confident on these self-development channels on youtube and binge watching them. Well they would always teach about these body language, impersonation, status, being mysterious stuff. Yes, of course, I fall victim on those promises.
Maybe if only I tried to be more of this and that… I would be seen as worthy. Haha, I remember one time I had a crush on someone during college and I kept looking for videos on how to impress her. Yeah, it didn’t end well. I should’ve just being direct, you know. Even tho these crappy advice saying it would lose intrigue, it only works if you focus your relationship on quick gains driven by emotional highs, if you’re looking for profound, deep connection, this is not the way to go.
I also had another note typed on this:
“So confidence is built from how you view yourself. The moment you start to feel secure about yourself when no one sees, that’s where true confidence grows.”
Oh so that’s why saying “I feel insecure” is often related to “I don’t feel confident”. We just start with getting to know more of ourselves then.
Oh dear I feel like sounding lecturing now? Alright let’s ease things a bit. This is not a TED talk. Just see me as a big brother talking.
But really in the past years, I started to search confidence from outside. How MUST I look. When others would say, I just needed to understand myself. I still operated on trying to be performative. To look good. Well, it served its purpose then, cause everytime you feel anxious and worried now, you just remember yourself of who you are and the efforts you took to getting to know you.
It’s funny I wanted to be confident to impress girls back then, but it takes no expectation at all to truly be confident. It’s really just about you.
So those were the themes really that’s bugging my mind. But going back to that girl, yeah of course, that feeling still never disappeared man. She really feels chill, and the moment we got on the peace giving offering, I consciously tried to observe her gesture and the very moment after we bow on front, she bowed on my direction and so as me, to hers. Of course, I do believe in the saying, the subconscious always spills what the person feels. Whether if it is intentional or not, I feel eased.
Honestly, before the act of gift-giving, I was betting on it and anticipating what if she’ll do it on the other side next, but I was wrong.
Oh but kuya, maybe you were just overanalyzing it… again. Maybe I do, but one thing’s sure that made me eased. She never perceived a threat on me. I never expected something for her. Just see me as a safe being and I’m good. And that’s the only thing that matters.
So yeah for the entire mass, I never sensed any thing of aversion from her. I actually even accidently bumped my elbow into hers, but she still exuded the same vibe. Just minding her own business and that made me feel at ease.
Oh and one more thing, during the peace giving, we did had a quick eye contact slightly and I managed to had a quick look at her face. We were both not looking directly, just slight turn and bowed. She kinda LOOKS (I repeat looks) too young probably in her teens? You know teens dressed up as adults is now common nowadays with the rise of fashion trends on socmed? I mean who wouldn’t?
You know, that experience I had through the entire mass was just too emotionally engaging to ignore. For fear of not being caught up too much, I tried to rationalize on my mind: Hey what if she’s probably a minor? What if she has a boyfriend? And then withdraw the experience. But then again, I just crave the feel of companionship and it forced me to rethink the way I see how relationships work.
It exists but very misunderstood. Almost always labelled as flirting.
To a boy: You are seen as making a move.
To a girl: You are seen as being opportunistic.
And to me? F*** y’all. I say this is my reality I cannot hide anymore. A true embodiment of who I am that I cannot fake.
No script of repetitive pop romance can ever define how I feel. “I loved you all along.” That’s bs for me. I craved what the world fails to define yet. I don’t even know what that really means. But I know for sure…
It’s borderline between friends and lovers, but leaning more to friends. And no, not mutual relationship, it’s still on the process of being lovers. Mine is not.
Oh like a brother-sister vibe? Perhaps this is the most accurate that could define now. I see it now.
I just wish to have that kind of pure relationship. To have that female (and of course male) companions to find in the right place and time. Maturity will lead to these people. For now, I will just maybe live? I guess.
This now feels like a call… that after all these years, Kian is finally knocking on my doors again… to fully be with me. I thought Kian’s dead but he isn’t. He’s just… waiting for me to come back.
It’s now a return with a new reformed vision for myself and to the future fate of my writing journey. It’s because a deep voice needs to be heard. A perspective so oblivious that it needs a pov of mine to spill the ink. With every tap of my fingers are the very passion that I want to change:
Males are not only physical… and females are not only emotional.
This whole society construct is a lie we put to ourselves, making us feel inadequate. And I say, fuck that standards. You live to who you’re meant to be. Who you deserve to be.
And it’s where it ends here, I’ve got nothing much to say now, but the right people will find their way and realize how we view mainstream life is broken. I’m probably exaggerating here from your pov, but it just feels a vindication on my end that I have to release… after all those years of trying to fit in. I wanted to be me.
I wanted to be… the Kian that I was, and always was.
-A real life experience
