EXHAUSTION
THE QUIET KIND OF EXHAUSTION
Some kind of exhaustion are obvious.
People can see them on your face,hear them in your voice, notice the way your shoulders fall when you sit down. Those kinds are easier to explain.
But emotional exhaustion is different.
It arrives slowly. Quietly. It settles into your life without announcement until one day you wake up and realize you no longer recognize yourself.
That is where I have been lately.
Nothing catastrophic happened. No dramatic heartbreak. No life-changing tragedy. Yet somehow everything began to feel unbearably heavy. Replying to messages became tiring. Conversations felt forced. Even laughter started sounding distant, like it belonged to someone else.
I found myself becoming irritated by people I normally loved being around. Small things annoyed me. Noise annoyed me. Questions annoyed me. Existing around others started feeling like work.
The strange thing about emotional exhaustion is that it does not always make you cry, but sometimes it just empties you quietly.
Afew days ago, my boyfriend and I argued. It was not even one of those explosive arguments people talk about in movies. It was tired, heavy, drained. The kind of conversations where both people are already emotionally exhausted before it even begins.
At some point, he told me maybe we should just breakup.
And for a moment I felt nothing.
Not because i didn’t care about him. I do. Deeply. But I think I have become so emotionally overwhelmed that my mind has started shutting down to protect itself. Even pain feels delayed now.
After the call ended, I sat alone staring at my ceiling for a long time. No music. No tears. Just silence.
I kept asking myself what happened to me.
I used to be softer. More patient. More alive. I used to romanticize small things. Rainy walks. Sunsets. Conersations that lasted too long. I used to sit outside and genuinely feel grateful to be alive.
Now some days feel like survival from morning to night.
Get Lillian Mari’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
I think that is the hardest part to explain to people. Emotional exhaustion does not always look dramatic. Sometimes you are still functioning. Still smiling occasionally. Still replying to people. Still showing up but barely present. Internally everything feels gray, nothing definite.
Lately, I have been isolating myself more. Not intentionally. I just do not know how to explain what is happening inside my mind. I feel disconnected to everyone around me, including myself. And when people try to get close to me emotionally, I sometimes pull away because I do not even know what version of myself they are talking to anymore.
One evening I decided to go outside just before sunset.
The sky was unusually beautiful that day. The clouds were painted in soft gold and faded orange, and the wind carried that calm evening smell that always reminds me of childhood. Normally, I would have taken photos or written something poetic about it.
Instead I just sat there quietly.
And for the first time in weeks, I allowed myself to stop pretending I was okay.
Not in a dramatic way. Not in a breakdown. Just honesty.
I admitted to myself that I was tired.
Tired emotionally. Tired mentally. Tired of carrying emotions I never properly processed. Tired of constantly trying to be string. Tired of overthinking every aspect of my life.
And the sun dissapeared slowly behind the trees, I realized something important.
Healing does not always begin with motivation.
Sometimes it begins with honesty.
Sometimes the first step is simply admitting that you are not okay instead of forcing yourself to perfom happiness for everyone around you. You can’t be an artist and perform in your own theatre of life.
That evening did not magically fix my life. I did not wake up the next morning transformed into a new person. I still felt heavy. I still felt confused. But something inside me softened slightly.
For the first time in a while, I stopped fighting myself.
I think many people are emotionally exhausted right now and do not even realize it. We live in a world that constantly demands energy from us. Attention. Productivity. Replies. Smiles. Patience. Understanding. Strength.
At some point, the mind becomes overwhelmed.
And that does not make us weak, it makes us human.
I am slowly learning that healing is quieter than people think. It is not always inspirational quotes and sudden breakthroughs. Sometimes healing is simply taking a shower after a difficult day. Going outside for fresh air. Drinking water. Sitting in silence. Letting yourself rest without guilt.
Sometimes healing is choosing not to give up on yourself even when life feels emotionally unbearable.
I do not fully know who I am becoming through all of this yet.
So for now, I am trying to be gentle with myself. Trying to breathe through difficult days instead of rushimg to escape them. Trying to believe that exhaustion is a temporary state and not my permanent identity.
And maybe that is enough for now.
