i never thought i'd miss someone i still have
there is a certain kind of disappointment that comes from looking at someone you once knew so well and realizing that they are no longer the same person you fell for. it's not necessarily because they became a terrible person, nor because everything they do is wrong. sometimes, it's simply because the things that once made you feel loved, appreciated, and understood are no longer there.
i miss the old you. and perhaps that's the hardest part to admit.
i miss the person who used to make an effort without being asked. the one who knew how to make me feel important, who would notice even the smallest changes in my mood, and who made me feel like loving me wasn't something they had to be reminded to do. i miss the conversations that never felt forced, the reassurance that came naturally, and the feeling that i never had to question where i stood in your life.
now, everything feels different.
it's disappointing how someone can slowly become distant while still being physically present. how conversations turn into obligations, how affection becomes less noticeable, and how the smallest things that once came naturally now feel like things i have to ask for. it's exhausting to keep explaining what hurts, especially when these are things you used to understand without me having to say a word.
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and what's even more painful? i know you are capable of being that person because i've experienced it myself. i've seen how you used to love, how you used to care, and how much effort you were once willing to give. that's why i find it difficult to accept that things are different now. it's not that i'm asking you to be perfect. i'm simply longing for the kind of love that made me feel secure in the first place.
i sometimes wonder if i'm expecting too much or if i'm just holding on to memories of a version of you that no longer exists. maybe i've been comparing the present to the past because the past gave me something i can no longer find in the present. but can you really blame someone for missing something they once received so effortlessly?
i don't want to beg for the bare minimum. i don't want to keep reminding someone how to treat me, how to communicate with me, or how to make me feel valued. love should not feel like constantly convincing someone to care. and a relationship shouldn't make one person carry the responsibility of keeping everything alive.
i still appreciate the person you are, but i would be lying if i said i wasn't disappointed by the changes. because sometimes, the person who hurts you the most isn't someone who was always unkind. it's someone who once showed you exactly how beautiful things could be, only to make you wonder where all of it went.
maybe i don't just miss the old version of you. i miss the version of myself who never had to question whether i was still loved the same way.
and i think that's what hurts the most: i never expected to feel like a stranger to someone who once made me feel so at home.
