Virginity — a harmful myth
“You will regret that for the rest of your life,” I remember my mum saying. She had a mix of fear, disappointment and worry in her eyes. As we sat across the table of one of those franchise hamburger restaurants in a noisy shopping centre, I could see that she felt she had failed in her role as a mother. In her mind, her daughter would be carrying a cross for the rest of her days, and there was nothing she or anyone could do about it. Tears started rolling down my face. I could not shake the feeling that I was dirtier than that table covered in coffee stains that we were sitting at.
At this point, you probably think I did something hideous to deserve such harsh words and thoughts from my mother and myself. But, in reality, it was (only) sex. Yes, I had “lost my virginity”. Or, as I like to say, I had had consensual and protected sex, for the first time, with someone I trusted and when I felt I was ready for it.
Isn’t that how everyone tells you how it should be? So why was my own mother, whom I considered pretty “liberal”, making me feel ashamed for it? Obviously, she did not mean to make me feel that way. However, her reaction was deeply influenced by, and a reflection of our society, where virginity is a woman’s honour and should be kept at all costs.
No matter how much society evolves, a woman’s virginity still carries a heavier weight than a man’s. And an example of that is that while I had been a victim of prejudice, my (ex)boyfriend received a pat on his back!
The existing taboo and lack of education around sexuality and particularly female sexuality, create the perfect environment for myths and misinformation to spread — the concept of virginity being one of them. So, join me in this journey of enlightenment and empowerment and let’s debunk some myths.
Deconstructing the virginity myth
Popping the cherry, deflowering, and cashing the v-card are only some of the euphemisms we use to describe the first time women have sex. And what do they all have in common? First, they imply loss or damage. Besides being rooted in biological misconceptions about the female body, this language perpetuates the idea that women lose not only a part of themselves but also their worth during this act.
As beautifully explained in The Virginity Fraud, the concept of virginity is based on two anatomical myths about the hymen (and yes, the name of that tissue is hymen, not flower or cherry or any other fruit you can think of!).
The first myth states that the first time a woman has vaginal sex, the hymen breaks and bleeds. The second myth is that, since the hymen is believed to break and bleed, it is also assumed that it disappears or is visibly altered during a woman’s first intercourse. If that were true (which is not!), a woman’s virginity could be determined by doing a gynaecological test. But I will get back to that later.
The truth about the hymen
The hymen is a thin membrane that partially covers the entrance of the vagina and can vary in shape and level of elasticity. There is no knowledge regarding its function or even if it has any.
We know that this piece of skin can tear during sex, but also during the practice of sports such as horse riding, tampon use or masturbation and that the rupture may or may not be accompanied by bleeding, depending on whether it hits a blood vessel or not. But we also know that in some cases, it never breaks due to its flexibility. As Dr. Jennifer Gunter mentions in her book The Vagina Bible, approximately 50% of teenagers who report being sexually active still present an “intact” hymen.
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The appearance of a hymen is, therefore, not a reliable indication of intercourse, as stated by the World Health Organisation (WHO), and it cannot be used as proof of virginity. Keep that in mind!
The absurdity of virginity testing
Although no examination can determine if a woman has had sex and consequently assess her virginity, the UN has documented the practice of so-called “virginity testing” in at least 20 countries worldwide.
“Virginity testing” is an examination of the female genitalia to evaluate whether sexual intercourse has occurred. It can be performed by inspecting the hymen for a tear or its size of opening and/or by inserting fingers into the vagina. Absurd, right? And yet, it has been used over the years to assess a woman’s virtue, honour, or social value and to ascertain whether they were a rape victim.
Besides being unscientific, medically unnecessary, and unreliable, the virginity test violates women’s human rights. In 2018, the UN Human Rights, UN Women, and the WHO issued a statement calling for the elimination of this test as it is painful, humiliating, and traumatic to women and girls subjected to it and can result in adverse physical and psychosocial consequences.
The absurdity of this practice is illustrated in a study performed on 36 pregnant adolescent girls. After examining these girls’ hymens, clinicians stated that only 2 out of the 36 girls showed clear signs of penetration. So, unless you believe in 34 virgin births, we must all agree that the myths about the hymen are untrue.
It’s time to break the cycle
The term virginity has no scientific basis. And yet, this social, cultural, and religious construction has been used to shame and control women over the years. It’s time to break this cycle of prejudice, discrimination, and violence and work together towards a fairer society.
Erasing these longstanding myths is only the first step in the battle against women’s sexual oppression, but it’s vital. So, let’s spread the word:
The hymen is not a seal of virginity.
Bleeding is not a sign of virginity.
No test can prove a woman’s virginity.
A woman’s worth is not measured by her sexual history.
If my mum had told me these phrases, maybe I would not have cried that day. Because I did not lose anything.
Originally published at http://magfempower.wordpress.com on January 22, 2023.
