A Database Anthology
Databases… They come in all shapes and sizes, each with varying quirks, sometimes deep issues, and they’re all different. Odd. Weird. Fantastic. Whatever perspective you may have.
I can’t help but feel like MySQL is a lot like Ford Prefect. It’s got that happy go lucky atmosphere, and cares about your data — to some extent, let’s not push it — but really just fundamentally okay with a lot things and always along for the ride. You got identity values in your INSERTs? Cool. Negative keys? Why not? Not always 100% dependable in the way you like to think, but smiles confidently, takes a sip from the drink, and moves on.
SQL Server, in constrast, is vaguely Arthur Dent-ish. Doesn’t quite understand everything that goes on and insist on “proper protocol”, and when you don’t, it digs in its heels and says “this is not the way it’s supposed to be done”. But it has the occasional good mood, as long as you don’t cross its refential integrity, or try to move a field, and is generally rather faithful, if boring.
SQLite is definitely Zaphod Beeblebrox. Want to put a JPEG in your numeric field? Fantastic! Love it. Prototyping something beautiful or rapidly heading towards disaster? Doesn’t matter, give me three pan-galactic gargle blasters, honey, and keep them coming; and then heads off to have a deep conversation with a cute girl about VARCHARs and how they’re really not what you think they are.
Oracle is a Nutrimatic Drinks Dispenser. It keeps giving you something you almost definitely don’t want (but not quite) with a confident greeting saying “share and enjoy!” When you finally lose your temper, sit down with it, and explain exactly what you want — it takes it in, whispers “I’m going to need some help with this”, connects to the mainframe and then goes dark for the next three days without any explanation. But eventually, there’s a little cup sitting on the counter with some of the best tea you’ve ever tasted.
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Oh, that guy in the corner? That’s Slartibartfast… I mean, Postgres. Kind of odd-looking, always muttering about the shape of the data, time sharding, and building indexes that will last longer than you. Very good about what it does and is right more times than you care to admit, but never gets invited to parties and is ignored most of the time. When you finally need it, it sighs and says “yes, I wondered when you would notice”. On the plus side, the fjords are immaculate.
DB2 looms in the distance, like Deep Thought. A massive computer system, organizing more data records than you ever thought was possible (and you’re probably part of it — going through your Social Security records as we speak and doing some obscure, routine maintenance). Not flashy, not really conversational, but immensely serious. When it finally responds, there’s a sense that the answer is correct — but possibly not useful until you’ve also built the rest of the universe around it.
Informix is a weird, odd case. It keeps showing up in various different forms, like Agrajag — it’s lived many lives, worn many forms, and somehow keeps reappearing in places you did not expect, carrying the weight of its past incarnations. There’s a persistence here, a sense that it’s been through things. You encounter it and think “oh — you’re still here” and it looks at you knowingly and whispers “yes, always”.
There is only one candidate for the Total Perspective Vortex, and that is Advanced Revelation. The hip database back in the 90’s, that could store multidimensional data in any field, that could model the complexities of the universe, but was a total pain to do any serious work in. It explodes your mind with possibilities, but once you try to put actual load on it, you’re left with just a high-pitched, wailing scream that carries off into the wind. Innocent enough on the outside, but once you step inside, it burns your soul out with confident precision. It has no other purpose.
In the end, the question remains: How many servers must a man stand up, before you can call him a DBA?
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.
Or… 42.
One or the other, really.
