I just watched the trailer of the new imtiaz ali movie. Something on the lines of “i’ll be back”. You know the one with diljeet. Yup.
Its more about the lost love, aged, looking for it, will help unite. It happened because of partition . you know the gist.
I took two things out of it
1. I don’t want to put myself through the emotional turmoil of partition in theaters, so I’ll wait for the ott release, so that I can pause out, or pass out, whatever feels feasible for my emotional state.
2. The main protagonists are from two different religions, but neither of them are hesitant of being so. Meaning — there is a scene where the girl (muslim) is imitating her freshly found lover, and the imitation is based on all the fit checks he does moments before meeting her, like a takiyakalam, adjusting his pagdi, aligning his moustache, and while imitating, to be true to facts, she hones the pagdi, makes sense. Lovely scene.
Now take a step back and think how many women belonging to a different religion can do that today, forget being a muslim woman. ~80 years since the death day. Probably the world was better earlier. Probably there was no harsh discrimination among people then to be free to do so. Or probably that’s the butterfly world imtiaz ali heard from his ancestors.
I was stunned actually, to see the free that there was, which could have been, vs what I know now.
I know that being a person from one religion cannot be imitating the other, especially in their religious attire, even out of love, even jokingly, I couldn’t fathom the possibility of such. Somehow it felt alien.
I live in the 21st century, I come from a state where I share the land with the majority practicing a different religion than ours. Zahir si baat hai, i had a couple of relationships with the other practicing religion. And each time i came back to my parents talking about this new guy-friend that i’ve made
The disappointment showed deeply. Of course that didn’t stop me from choosing the other person, but i was in school, who knows anything in high school anyway, so i went about my life. I stand by challenging the patriarchy every step of the way, idk why its just a thing i do.
From sexism to racism, you name it, i was always at the side of the righteous, and there were days that — that meant me standing far away from my parent’s side of trial, but that’s okay, I accept that.
What I didn’t understand was why I couldn’t take the same step when it was about my own life.
You see
I liked a guy.
He liked me. He somehow lit up every brain cell in me by just existing, people around me noticed both of us grinning at each other not knowing why and being irritated by the situation. But who cares about them because it was us grinning. But soonly, post all starry days, things started coming into perspective. We started talking about the future. We started thinking of what next, is there a possibility if next?
There was some possibility at my end, but half-and-half possibility at his. He didn’t agree to anything but didn’t really disagree either.
But on a random sunday, just like i was expecting him to be talking / chatting with me for hours, it didn’t go though. A couple of days in, i had to console myself into thinking “he might have something going on, he’ll tell once he is back” and he was, but with a really bizarre news of how this 26year old male was beaten up by his own mother who has now taken his communication devices or anything related, because he is talking to a “kafir”, that’s the first time, i got introduced to this word.
I had to do some googling, of course, and google only knew lime in that category.
Some deeper digging got me though with some meanings, but who am I to judge if I haven’t inflicted the pain, right?
Wrong.
We continued meeting, he made the effort, he came to meet me after college, he lied at his end. I guess he liked the company, or i dont even know what because that’s what I was there for. I did try and ask him about his mother, but he said he had gotten better at hiding things. The new phone was here, coz the mother broke his older one. Made him promise that he wouldn’t meet me but who could stop that. I knew he lied at times, or actually I felt that, i didnt have any proof really nor was a looking for one, but harmless lies, lies at his end to his parents that — he is going to college but he had to study late is why he is late to reach home, and lies at my end that the other same religion girl he is dating is just a friend. Naivety at my end. But sure, who isn’t a fool when happy.
I, as usual, told my mother about it, and all she said was that she is good with the decisions as long as I am happy. Her only issue is if I end up marrying anyone else other than this religion, she’d be able to save me by law, with law. But in case something goes wrong after marrying him, she wont be able to, because not all laws are laagu on them. Strange but true.
So this fool continued on his lies, but one fine random day, on our usual after college extravagances, he enjoyed the whole evening with me, but just before dropping me he said “ we shouldn’t be together”, he couldn’t make eye contact with me, i couldnt stop crying, i couldnt stop asking what happened, and he said it would be better for me to do so. My betterment.
He knew this was the last evening together and I didn’t. He was already sitting with the guilt of ending the evening and I didn’t know better. I kept asking him whats the sad about the whole evening and i guess he was just better at hiding it. We stopped meeting at all.
I told my mom about the situation that i was in because she literally compelled it out of me, and after hearing the story all she could say was “if he can’t be with you now, good that we know early, at least this wouldn’t be a situation after you had married him”
Fair enough -
But we kept in touch, you know the once in 6–8months kind, oh how are you, long time no see kind, oh where are you, oh still in the city, oh nice, kinda touch. But either way we didn’t discuss anything. He reached out to me with his lows, exam and not being able to get a specialisation, i reached out to him on my low days, like breaking up with a another guy or finding another guy in my life, funnily he came to meet the next guy, and the next one, i don’t know why, i still couldn’t. I did reach out to him before leaving the city. He told me to, so I did. He asked me where i was and if i’d be going to meet him, I asked if his mother would be okay with it, and he said he’d lie.
Makes sense.
So we met, he stayed back. Came with a liter of alcohol with him. I guess he was intending to stay back and I didn’t see it coming. I’d never had an overnighter with him, so I wasn’t prepping for it, but we just went with it. He tried to initiate on fornication, but somehow, even with all the liters of alcohol, i had one brain cell to ask him on “whats the point”, he had the audacity to ask me on what do i mean, i had to respell it for him on — whats the point if we aint getting back together, are we? Do we have a future now?, he was more of a present guy it seems like. So he didn’t push me. We continued on our overnighter, we continued drinking, he introduced me to his telugu rapp which i didn’t understand a cent of, but i’m here for the vibes. So I lived it. I told him he should seriously take it seriously, I think he did. Or atleast some day he would, I can only hope.
We never met after, we didn’t catch up on messages. We hardly called earlier. So — only in the memory phase. Until he messaged me around 6 years later that he is in the same city as me — and we should “meet”. Should we though? I was living with my first husband then, he was damn excited to meet this human who he has only heard of in lore. And adding face to the stories always helps so might as well.
I didn’t really know what is what. I was confused but i had only a few hours to prep
I know this story has gone way past from where we started but stay with me, please. So he managed to come to my home, figured I love the same substances as him, bonded over that, and before leaving told me that he is supposed to get married next month. In an arranged concept. Interesting.
Interestingly he thought he should tell me this when we haven’t kept in touch since whenever. Invited me for his wedding but didnt send me a proper invite. Coincidentally, I was in the same city as him when he was to be married — he asked me on the d-day if i was coming, but i couldn’t really. Eitherway i didnt even have the address on where I should be, but that’s really tertiary. I didn’t go. I chose not to.
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Six years to that day I saw his wedding video on youtube — and I had no idea men and women were supposed to be celebrating this union in separate rooms. I mean I knew the concept existed, but i didnt know that the wedding would happen without the bride even being present in the same room as him.
Eitherway, i was glad i didnt attend the wedding all the more.
Here’s what happened to me. It left me wondering if he was an exception or a symptom. Then I started hearing stories like X, Y, Z — and suddenly I couldn’t tell if my bitterness was about him or about a pattern. Each story landed differently because of what I’d already lived through.
Years have passed and somehow I find myself resenting the whole vibe now. It could be because of all the stories heard.
Being from a majority core religious state on the opposite end, I did hear a bunch of stories from in and around. Loads of local newspaper mishmash.
This one time my parents were to sell this land piece they had bought long back and the only people willing to buy it were from the other religion than us. We didn’t mind at all, we took the best deal, welcomed them home, fed them with all enthu, just like a guest would be treated . They had come to pay the deposit for the land sale to transfer the deeds. But by the end of the evening, the 50 year old man buying the land from my 50 year old father said to him “what is it really a man’s job in this world, make money & punish women” . yup. He literally said that. “Auraton ko saza dena” he meant sex, he meant saza as sex. His wife was sitting right there hearing it all, covered in a cloth from tip to toe. balls.
Uff. Another one of a really bizarre story I read in a newspaper was how their religious institutions are paying the guy some reward money if he converts a girl from a different religion to his. And the reward money would increase on the basis of which caste the girl belonged to. Meaning it would be hefty if she was from an upper caste of that religion, and meager but still a prize, even if otherwise.
Each of these stories just keep reminding me of — did I dodge a bullet?
And the pile of resentment is big. Because ofcourse i didnt want to choose a life of restriction when i havent lived that up until now.
I want to be the person who should be righteous. I want to look at people equally. I still have friends from different communities than mine and I meet them the same way.
But there is some part of my heart which is just decaying with resentment each time I hear a story which isn’t something that I stand by.
And I haven’t even started talking about the land with the new rule where women are only allowed to use their one eye..
I’ve accepted that I can’t correct the world. But I would also like to believe in this rumi world. You know the one which is after the wrong and right. I’d like to believe that it exists. In a parallel alternate universe which is this rumi land. I would like to live in it, with him, with all his flaws. At least it wouldn’t be bound by religion, or supression.
The irony of this whole sequence is that an imtiaz made this trailer.
So each time I hear a story, I have this pile of resentment increasing. Or that’s just integrity being chosen.
But when i looked at this imtiaz ali trailer. I couldn’t help but sit with my thought of was the world a better place before partition? Was this religion like any other that we are surrounded with? Was no one looking down on the other? Was there ever a version of this country where people could simply love each other without carrying entire communities on their backs? Or is it just this butterfly world imtiaz ali heard from his ancestors.
