Pick me!
How and why: Journey into our becoming.
PS: I figured it out. How to insert pictures on a phone. I feel so dumb! It’s so easy lol. But, we move.
“You’re too fucking clingy! And! Every second with you is so fucking exhausting. It’s honestly suffocating. (Takes a moment and in a calm tone continues to ask) Please, why won’t you let me go?”
Dear Journal
TikTok taught me a very interesting phrase; among many others, of course. “Pick-me girls.” I just find the app so depressing and fake, far more fake than IG. A fact I never imagined possible! Regardless, it did teach me a lot of things. Opened my eyes to a lot of things, too! Pick-me girls being the main thing. I sent with my butt clenched so hard during those videos I could feel my clit😭
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I’m chronically on those two apps btw, journal.
How did I find myself here? Well, I loved him too hard. They say it’s toxic, I say it’s RAD. Passiknate. Romantic. Giving two damned shits. I know I’m not perfect, but I sure as hell am close to it. Lusten! I took his delicate parts and shielded the.. How, you ask? He never saw a single spider. And, his mom was blocked when I was around. So, why would he treat me like that? I know I was good to him because I considered every little thing. I fluffed his pillows every night and gave up my dog because I realized she had made him sick. Lo and beholdd!!! My fucking dog WAS making him sick. Things rarely went over my head where he was concerned. So, why would he call me clingy? And what was that pathetic look in his eyes? How dare he cry when I’m the one he’s hurting?
I FRIGGING TOLD HIM TO WATCH HIS LANGUAGE AROUND ME!
Anyway! I think clingy might be the word, not pick-me. Of course, I found out what he liked and I loved it too. It gave us something in common. He liked alt girls, so I changed my entire wardrobe for him. I like Cartoon Network so ‘proper anime’ wasn’t too hard a stretch. But honestly, that’s so vanilla. An anime guy into alt girls, that’s like every fantasy read ever. His type is in every manga page, and every anime episode. I just had to pick the one background character he least considered, but appeared long enough to make me seamlessly blend in. Seen but not heard. That’s what that aesthetic says to me. No shade. Funny enough though, journal, he wasn’t crazy over a lot of those theme songs. Nearly broke my ruse. Like, I learnt a good chunk of them just to have him tell me HE SKIPS THEM!! Ahh! Am I the issue? I must be the problem. What’s wrong with me?! What’s wrong with him!!! He’s the… fuck!!
I worked too damn hard for that man! SSOMEONE HAS TO REIMBURSE ME. I want my time and effort back!!
I hate the colour black!! I hated it even more on my face! All those annoying songs I learnt. IN. FUCKING. JAPANESE! I WANT IT BACK!!! Me learning his eating habits and food preferences. BACK! My smile when his words cut too fucking deep. BACK!!! Back you hear me. All the times I bailed him out, and the money he took but NEVERRRR PAID BACK! WHAT! Ahhhhhh! GIVE. IT. ALL. BACK!
I want apologies. I want screams. I want begging. I want groveling. I want ass kissing behavior!!! Not closure. The Fuck!
But, if he stood before me right now I’d run it ALL back. That’s how deep a choke hold he has on me. His body? 10! Face? 10! Energy? 20!! Body art? Infinity!!!! He’s 1000% my type, and my best 🤷♂️ Can’t be helped.
