Okay, So…
“What feels like the end is often the beginning.”
I’m building a lot, figuring myself out, under pressure, and I know I’m capable of more, BUT I’m also tired of constantly being in the middle of becoming.
It’s not like I stopped existing in past few months but, it’s not the same anymore… not the experiences but the way my pov’s been towards them. It’s not like nothing good happened, the truth is if any other version of me would have even a percent of that, that would be like a crazy thing for him.
I don’t relate to that anymore.
There was this phase, a long phase where I used to feel myself even though nothing was working out irrespective of the amount of times I went extra miles, trying and there were certain ways, I used to let it out in creative aspects. Be it walking on the random road and stopping right there out of sudden just to capture that one perfect frame in my head to instinctively opening my phone to record something I found interestingly fascinating and there was thing thing too, by the end of month, sitting hours with myself reflecting about my entire month’s of journey, through these blogs.
Then, there came a time when It all started piling up and exhausting more than the fun how it used to be. Like, writing every month felt like a burden as while living the month throughout, i’d have this urge to capture certain pics just to be able to dump it there to describe the situation I am in, better. I lost the joy of capturing moments and writing just felt exhausting as I’d imagine myself with that burden in that situation while reflecting instead of even thinking about the experience I had.
Apart from this, for every phase I’d be in, I used to combine all those random clips I used to take and make a video out of them. But, didn’t take time when it was exhausting enough for me have this obligation of capturing everything so that I’ll be able to present or put it out in certain way.
It was never about the audience but always about the kid who once was fascinated with all of it and used to enjoy diving in that entire process of creation and having that freedom of expression for someone who’d live inside his head. It was like an artist finding an empty canvas to paint… Being able to express those infinite pile of thoughts freely, feel lighter everytime I did.
That wasn’t it.
I never wanted to just do only that. Okay, so… I am a kind of person who just finds everything damn interesting, it’s like I wanna learn this and do that but also work on that random idea I got while taking a nap. Tech was the go, I chose for myself cuz I wanted to understand how things work but I never really was able to give myself enough space and environment where I’d be able to totally focus on that as I’d have my own commitments with everything just for the sake of time management… just to end up feeling more exhausted by that infinite cycle of things, in progress.
By the month end, I’d study whole day from 8:30 to 6 pm in classes just to utilise the next two hours by going to library and working on month end blog so that after reaching back to pg room, I’d be able to also study for the exam I have the very next day… while priority being just to do good enough to pass but the standard being, if I didn’t spend every single spare minute I have to prepare, then I didn’t work hard enough and I’d fail in my own eyes even tho I’d still get 85% there.
At the very core, it was always the process, the flow, the satisfaction one get after giving it all, the feeling of being exhausted enough to just fall asleep the very next second while still pushing through the grind for another 2 hours.
People say, I’d regret working hard that much, be it those 3 coffees I used to have every single day to refusing to friend’s plans every other day just cuz I am busy… with?? Oh yeah, myself cuz I need to work on another thing which I commited with myself and the deadline being, as soon as possible. Which just meant, be at it, every possible minute I can give.
The truth is, I’ve changed a lot as a person in past few months… This place I’ve been in lately, lacks the headspace to even have the calmness to be able to think nothing and sit with myself but is just a chaos of everything I wanted. Everytime I think about it, That one urge to work extra hard to be able to fulfil that in any damn hope possible arises as, that’s the only thing there is in my hands.
Life can be brutally bad sometimes, but complaining won’t help in any possible way but who knows hardwork might. Atleast, that’s something which I can control.
Initially, when I started writing this, the plan was for me to do a catchup of what I’ve been upto lately, how I’ve been trying to learn and do so many things at the same time, especially in tech… How it’s a new mode of expressing one’s creative self for me but maybe me ending up talking exactly opposite after avoiding all those thoughts is what they say, going with the flow is.
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Not gonna lie, in past few months, I did experience the kind of things that a younger version of myself would be proud of but I stopped feeling anything… That self of me, it’s like just left somewhere or disappeared in the midway of the process. Turns out, this isn’t what I was looking forward to write but I think facing your raw thoughts once in a while, sure helps to understand where it’s going.
Who knows? me being uncertain in this very moment about everything I’ve been trying lately might just be a part of that last piece of jugsaw puzzle, which when connected, eventually made the total sense.
Few things never change tho, Still sitting in the empty library when there’s no one and still trying to find my way out while trying to do the things I want to. Everything, every single one of them, trying to grasp it all, giving it my all, not for the results but for the same satisfaction of exhaustion one would get after giving it all.
I think, a lot have changed since I last showed up, be it in terms of my uni campus, the place I used to live at, the peace there was, around as well as that of within, to it being with people, the things I used to do but the urge to do something bit too crazy just seems to get stronger.
There’s still a lot I have to figure it out, sure feels lost at times when I just try to escape and surround myself with more and more work that, I won’t even have time to think about things but at the same time, I know it’s not something I can always follow, eventually, I’d still have to face it and accept it.
Maybe, life’s like a maze where, when you try different things, you get aligned to different ways but when you leave them, you take another way but maybe it could be a type of maze with multiple exit gates where each way I took, led to another and everything eventually was connected and made sense.
It’s like there’s so much I would love to talk about but at the same time, I don’t even know what is going on. Like, planning everything you gonna do but then when you follow that plan there’s just uncertainty of the plan itself. I do miss that crazy old creative self of mine at times, I miss how great it used to feel but at the same time, I do try to enjoy this process of the one I’ve been becoming lately.
Although, apart from all that if I give some info on what I’ve been upto since last blog I wrote…
So, the vacations ended, I ended up visiting delhi and doing a meetup with an online friend and I stayed at his place for few days and explored delhi which was quite crazy, came back to Bengalore, bedrotted or a week but then decided to pick myself up and showed up at a friend’s apartment few two days and met everyone before I went back to the PG where I used to live. Basically, My uni shifted my campus to another place so I also had to relocate but I sure miss all those memories and experiences and fun I had there along with all those security guard bhaiyas, Amul wale bhaiya and all the friends (majority) who are still in that campus. So, I shifted my pg and this new area is quite crowdy and conjusted tbh and because of which even though me and two more other friends of mine shifted in same pg, they didn’t even have two same beds available in same room. So, well~ I’m stuck in triple sharing with two random people, they both have job though and been friends with each other since years. Apart from that, this new campus is just a building of four floors and no place for me to sit in peace with. Entire locality is just crowded and because of which I do feel suffocated sometimes, where I go, crowd just follows. So, I’ve been visiting my sis quite a lot on weekends to get some peace instead of always hearing noises everywhere.
My priority lately is to get an internship and I sure have been grinding on projects and trying to get in hackathons even though I already got rejected by Amazon, Morgan Stanley, Flexera, Swiggy, IQOO, some y combinator companies for internships, so on… and even applied for Razorpay’s Buildathon today… So after experiencing all that rejection, new priority shifted to just collecting as many rejections one could possibly can.
I do wanna work on useful things, give my contribution in any possible way and so now, I’ve also been trying to brainstorm about getting into open source contribution (for the non tech people, basically imagine helping public community garden where anyone can use plants, can water or even design the layout without being a master designer).
Been exploring technical writing too (writing about my technical projects in simple way for people to understand).
Though, instead of diving into random ideas to make videos about… I’ve been diving into random ideas I got and been trying to turn them into actual useful projects. For instance, I got this idea what if blind people started getting some built in accessibility settings on their phone where the camera helps them navigate without internet and so I ended up building a prototype of it even though it’s far from perfect, but it sure was fun trying to learn new things I needed to implement in order to bring it to life. Similarly, I’ve been diving into so many other projects, hackathons as well.
Apart from using notion for everyday work, I also included Obsidian on my work management stack where I turned my Obsidian into multiple whiteboards (excalidraw) where I can dump while still being specific with the topic I am brainstorming about.
So, no more excalidraw web : )
Made it more organized whiteboard inside obsidian which helps me being specific with the dump
In the upcoming days, Plan’s to try as much as I can to get an internship and also keep working on hackathons, projects and keep exploring new things for me to learn about and even get better with fundamentals which I already know. Like, I also ended up doing CS50p (harvard’s free course for python) even though I know it. I also would love to get bit better with DSA but at the same time, for this semester plan’s to learn as much as I can by implementing things rather than just reading about them.
Would love to get a better version of myself in terms of mindset aswell considering how lost it’s been lately even though I am still just going but let’s see how it goes~
If you are a regular reader, you have my respect on all these rants lol
Sorry for being late…
And, if you are diving in these for the first time then I hope I didn’t waste your time and thanks for the read :)
I hope y’all will have a great time out there!
See you, in next one.
About the song recommendation, I used to give, I don’t even enjoy music anymore but well, here’s one you can vibe to:
Clik dis
