The Lightness of Being Unbearable
The United Way, Cantona vs Cork
No I haven’t yet read Milan Kundera’s 80’s existential classic either. But the architects I know rate it highly. Something about form following function or was it the Czech Spring? Dunno. Soz. My bet is that Eric Cantona has read “L’insoutenable légèreté de l’être”, in actual French.
Form and function are not two things that you’d lay at the door of the crowd surfing, French crackpot. Bad form and dysfunction is probably a more apt description.
According to the latest streamed club propaganda “The United Way”, the central conceit is of Cantona as the catalytic platform for all Manchester United achieved during their long forgotten, pre-Glazer trophy orgy. A sort of “Qui est Le Centre d’attention Francais?’ Mais, Eric of course.
Attitude, Arrogance & Athleticism plus a freshly minted Premier League winners medal from his time in Leeds with Nursing Home Manager, Howard Wilkinson. The Sky Studio Studs of the day thought it was risqué to suggest he brought a certain “je ne sais quoi” to the English game. After-all Sky was most likely looking for a new hero to hang their hat on as Darren Anderton was injured. Ah! Regarde! Eric!
Cantona soon hi-aadd into the stands and off the pitch. A nicely taken pen 9 months later and a swing on a pole against nobody, I mean mid 90’s Liverpool and that was it til Christmas. 4 or 5 hard won 1 nils where he scored and collar up, surveyed all he conquered (Sunderland!), most likely wholly conscious of the image he was creating. Method in the madness. The legend cemented. Exit stage left. Imagine ever thinking Newcastle were a threat? Pop singer and cologne model Kevin Keegan was their manager.
Back then, “Je ne sais quoi” probably meant a high level of technique to the duffers, bluffers and spoofers on Sky. United had that already, it was just embodied in an Irishman named Denis Irwin and the Sky Studio Studs couldn’t see it. The Cork hurler might predate La Belle Époque of attacking right backs blazed by Dani Alves, not of this parish, but one could argue he lay the template for it.
Irwin, unflustered, always delivered. The anti hype Fear An Phoist. Free kicks?-yep, mazy from deep dribbles?-yep, left foot?, right foot? -yep yep, goals? assists? YES! YES! Are we there yet? Nearly. All that with added sound defensive sensibilities, zero ego and wheelbarrows of medals. “You can’t teach that!” as rocks in the head, hard man turned LadsBible Lear, Andy Gray might shout.
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And Denis was never a problem to be solved, unlike, say the latest FIFA edition Trent Alexander Arnold, a number 2 who is really a highly proficient 7 a side player you might not want on your team because he won’t run back despite having ‘all the tools’. The Liverpool right back is an assist algorithm but a well known defensive liability who now has to be moved into a pivot midfield with three actual defenders behind him. Just in case.
Cantona came, saw and fecked off and was lucky enough to have played in a truly great United team. Was his biggest contribution the très drôle “When ze trawlers…” existential press conference? It is still, after all these years, the high point of his acting career ,which some might suggest covers the football bit as well. Probably unfair, but I do it for ze laughs me-self.
Je m’excuse! The French B actor did get the man of the match award in the 1996 FA Cup Final for an elegantly taken and game winning volley after PlayStation addict and professional somniac David James’s late mistake.
Another United Irishman was robbed of that award and is completely erased from the United Way, which is both unsurprising and unforgivable. Our own enfant terrible, Roy Keane. Ireland’s revenge mentality monster.
Keane ate Wembley that day in his leading role as football’s Irishman Heathcliff. There are no vague french descriptions of something otherworldly, something that you can’t quite put your finger on about Keane. Shock & Awe embodied on a pitch, a footballing apex predator, a Mega Don if you will, blood dripping from his mouth, the Hi- Tech tracked deathscape of SpiceBoys and SpiceGirls left in his wake in that most famous of footballing arenas. Utterly dominant.
Keane at that stage was well on the way to being the greatest central midfielder in the post modern but pre Pep era. Cometh the L’homme.
Irwin & Keane. Cork! Boys.
In contrast, Cantona’s level was probably up there with that other French football impressionist, David Ginola. That Cantona chucked it in at 30 says it all. Was it just another well executed set piece in the self directed movie detailing the myth of the United Way and his part in it?
Lightness personified. Unbearable.
Til next time.
