What does One Direction mean to me?
Following the recent tragic news of the death of One Direction member, Liam Payne, I am struggling to come to terms with my grief and how I feel. To try and make sense of it all I will write this essay.
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One Direction was a band, formed in 2010, which consisted of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan, Zayn Malik and Liam Payne. The boys were found on X-factor, where they were grouped together into a boyband, entirely by luck. From there they grew rapidly in popularity, creating five world famous albums and too many to name hit singles. The band was incredible. In my opinion, One Direction shaped boyband culture and pop music for today. They rebuilt the meaning of boyband and paved the way for more to be born. The fanbase is endless, connecting strangers across the world. Their world tours set new standards and changed the way things had previously been done. However, sadly in 2015, Zayn Malik quit the band due to personal struggles within it. Despite this, One Direction continued, and made their fifth and final album, which still was received by fans highly. After Zayn left, it was a slippery slope for the other members, as it became evident that they all wanted out, as so, in 2016 the band finally dismembered, after five years of ruling the world.
When the band began I was only three, thus I can’t pretend to remember much, however there are pictures of me over the next few years with One Direction school bags, pencil cases, lunch boxes, blankets, pyjamas and posters. My first memory of being a fan is when I was probably six and I was discussing with my friends who our favourites were — mine personally was Louis. I remember playing One Direction top trumps on the school playground, where my best friends would always fight over whoever would end up with the Zayn card, claiming that whoever had it was the greater fan. I have a vague memory of the day Zayn quit, and my school was filled with gossip of why. When I got a little older and the band broke up, despite the fanbase still standing strong, my One Direction phase came to die, however I could always list off the members and their birthdays if anyone ever asked me to. I didn’t think much about them until the 10 year anniversary of the band came around in 2020. I often wonder if it hadn’t been during lockdown, then things may have played out differently? Because, when the anniversary came I randomly saw an instagram post reminding me and it seemed to open the flood gates back into One Direction. I began googling and diving deep back into the band, getting excited that the anniversary was posted by some of the members. Maybe, if it wasn’t lockdown, and I had had more things to do, I wouldn’t have stayed up the entire night rewatching old interviews and getting back into their music? But, I am very glad I did. The obsession grew basically overnight. 1D became all I would think and talk about, my room reverted back to a 2010 fangirls dream, lined with posters (and even two lifesize cardboard cutouts). I spent endless hours on youtube and spent far too much money on second-hand merchandise. They suddenly became my whole world, at the age of 13, long after the band had broken up. The band connected me with old friends and new, who were also getting back into One Direction, who I still keep in touch with regularly now. I felt so deeply connected to all five members and it completely consumed me. I was probably incredibly annoying to be around, however I was enjoying every moment. I prayed for any interactions between the boys and stalked twitter update accounts to keep me up to date. My obsession soon infected my sisters, who began liking them again, although not as diehard as me. As a family, we saw Harry and Louis live. However, like the band, all good things must come to an end. Four years after my obsession began, it finally started easing out. I still loved 1D and all the boys, however I also had new obsessions to take my time. They were always in the back of my mind still, and I was ready to rattle off any and every fact about them if asked, however with sixth form and a-levels, I just had more things to think about. My room was still scattered with remnants of a fangirl, however new posters joined the walls. I didn’t think I would think about them so much anymore ever again. That is until two days ago. 16th October 2024. I turned my phone on to do not disturb, which is unusual for me, and stayed up late, obliviously missing all the breaking news of Liam Payne’s death. It was not until Thursday morning, when I turned my phone on and saw texts from various random people checking in to see if I was okay, where I finally discovered the mind stopping news. It shocked me deeply, since just yesterday I had seen Liam’s snapchat story of him enjoying his time in Argentina. It was news I did not expect to hear for another fifty years, when I had children of my own to share their music with, when there had maybe already been a reunion. It was world stopping to ready the various news articles and heart shattering to think about. I went to school were I couldn’t quite come to terms with what had happened. It was brought up and I explained how I am a massive fan and that it was crazy to hear. Teachers who knew how much I loved 1D, due to me talking through their lessons about them, told me they thought of me when they saw the news. I went through the day in a hazy, brain foggy state, still not coming to terms with it. Finally, when I got home and got into bed, I saw the posts from Louis and Zayn, and the One Direction account. It hit me like a truck. Hours passed and Harry and Niall’s posts came in, hitting me harder and harder each time. It is hard to discuss my grief. I did not know Liam personally, however I can tell you his birthday, his family’s names, his song names, the exact date and time where he was finally told he was good enough and selected into One Direction. I did not know him personally, however I have been thinking of him since I was 6. My walls still have his face on them, my lips are still humming his songs. Grieving someone I have never met, but who has said such an impact on my entire life, is such a surreal thing. I would not be me now, without having loved One Direction. I owe myself to that band, and therefore to Liam Payne. I did not go to school today, 18th October, as I have been riddled with unintelligible sadness. I pretended to have a migraine, since my grief for Liam Payne would not be enough to let me stay home, despite the deep emotions I am feeling. Liam deserved so much more time, and I wish the world had treated him better. I have not listened to their music since finding out, I am not sure when I will be ready. All I know is that One Direction shaped who I am, and they have been in my mind for more years than they haven’t, and I am grateful to every single member, but, at this moment, especially to Liam Payne, who deserved so much more and who left too soon.
The day the music died.
