Christmas Movie #13: Home Alone
“…apparently he had been alone all day with the corpse.” -Gus Polinksi
Short Review Up Front
Home Alone is in the Top Ten on almost every Christmas movie list, and deservedly so. While not my absolute favorite, it has all of the ingredients that make a good Christmas movie, and most of its detractors (ahem, Boomers) validate its status every time they whine. Fun, endearing, and iconic.
Four-and-a-Half Trees
Full Review
Few Christmas movies of the past three decades or so are as popular as Home Alone. When it ran in theaters, it finished as the third-highest grossing movie all-time, and for a long time was the highest-ever grossing live-action movie. The film is also enduringly popular in Poland (where the Polish network, Polestar, created a low-level domestic crisis in 2010 by neglecting to show the movie — an error never since repeated, even by the Law & Justice — AKA “PIS” — idiots), and here in Romania, where I live (and where more people will watch it than vote for the winner if/when they hold and certify a presidential election that they don’t immediately nullify). When I tell colleagues I’m reviewing Christmas movies, Home Alone inevitably comes up.
That’s a fair reputation (and a better film to die on a Christmas movie hill for than, say, Die Hard), so it was about time I reviewed it. My reasons for not doing so in recent years are…personal. No slight intended toward Macaulay Culkin, Joe Pesci, and certainly not the exquisite Catherine O’Hara.
But…what would be the angle for such a film? I considered that Culkin had so-traumatized Joe Pesci that it led him to a life of brutal, impetuous mafia crime — only to discover, to my mild surprise, that this movie came out the same year as Goodfellas (and was filmed a year later); both while I was still in college. There’s also the much-covered Macaulay Culkin-hates-his-life angle. How about the Chicago-is-almost-as-overrated-as-New York-sports-teams angle? <Yawn>. I dunno.
When future paleontologists (or aliens) unearth America, they’re going to have a field day trying to piece together our collective, full-throttled insanity. And in 1990, we were just getting started.
Instead, I can snatch up those crumbs along the way, and offer my overthought-but-spontaneous reaction while watching the film, like I usually do. Here goes:
<Start> Central to the plot, the McCallister Family is undertaking an activity I thought was weird back then, and now believe is emblematic of contemporary American action-because-we’re-easily-bored-and-my-neighbors-do-it herdism: vacation traveling at Christmas. Look, I know for some it’s a big tradition — my brother’s family, for one — I’ve just never understood it. Particularly in light of how so many people also talk about Christmas season as hectic, exhausting and stressful, only in America could we come up with a wholly-fabricated/self-inflicted/unnecessarily lavish way to make the whole damned thing 10X worse: vacationing during the holidays. Perfect. As I’ve often said, when future paleontologists (or aliens) unearth America, they’re going to have a field day trying to piece together our collective, full-throttled insanity. And in 1990, we were just getting started.
Luckily for the plot, the McCallisters are 1) just rich enough to afford flying about 47 people to Paris at Christmas (including four in First Class) but 2) not rich or smart enough to invest in any remotely-deterrent form of security for their “Yoo hoo! Look at me — all deserted during the holidays!” house. I haven’t even mentioned them leaving one of their children behind. What a family. Nor do I begrudge Kevin’s initial wish to make his family disappear (except you, Catherine. You had a bad day. You can stay). There’s a fair chance Harry and Marv still would make better siblings than Buzz. And they’re sure as hell preferable to Gerry Bamman’s Uncle Frank (not to be confused with Yours Truly): a ”rude, cruel, cantankerous, cheap, and selfish” individual; possibly the most-unlikeable person in the entire film — and he’s got competition.
• So, we meet the family in Prep Mode, while allowing “Officer Harry” (Pesci) to observe their home, unquestioned, as a phony cop while actually conducting reconnaissance for his nefarious house burglary enterprise. Given the lack of situational awareness by ordinary folks (then and now), this seems fair (imagine a 2024 version of the McCallister family — all walking around with faces in their cell phones. Harry and Marv could’ve robbed the house while they’re departing and gotten away with it).
• I found it curious that Kevin, while understandably mystified by his family’s disappearance, didn’t immediately consider the obvious reason. It’s not like they sneaked away and never mentioned what they were doing the next day.
• The garage is open! What? (and yes, I’ve had neighbors who might well have left theirs open). Ah, Peter remembers it later. Okay, okay — plot point.
…on top of Boomers being the world’s worst (ever), most self-congratulatory, and by-far-least-self-critical generation, they were also the least-able to ever make fun of themselves. Is it coincidence that the most-emblematic of them all is in Home Alone 2?
• Imagine if the McCallisters flew today, and had to deal with that 21st Century Chicago Icon AKA Spirit Effing Airlines (the Uncle Frank of Airlines). Can you imagine the hidden fees for a family of 47? Enough money to make Elon Musk consider shutting down the government or permanently lifting the debt ceiling. Where was I?
• The crooks surveying the light timer landscape of the street makes sense for the 90s, I suppose. Still hard to believe not a single one of these rich-ass houses had any alarm system, even all the way back then.
• Kevin watching The Grinch. I like this kid.
• Is it wrong that Kevin’s coffee table-full-of-junk-food looks just like mine at the moment?
• I particularly enjoy reading some old reviews of the movie, of course by Boomers, berating all the “adult-bashing” in the movie. Oh no! This is because, on top of Boomers being the world’s worst (ever), most self-congratulatory, and by-far least-self-critical generation, they always also been the least-able to make fun of themselves. Is it coincidence that the most-emblematic of them all is in Home Alone 2?
• I would bemoan the silliness of the cop going to the house and giving up in 5 seconds as “Hollywood”… until I remember at least half-a-dozen real world situations that make me think, “Oh, right.”
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• Harry and Marv robbing the house across the street, in broad daylight. Robbing every house on a well-do-to-street all in one week is sure to escape notice. Meanwhile, thank goodness there’s a spare robe for Kev to throw on to complete his escape.
• It’s a Wonderful Life, in French — even Jimmy Stewart sounds snotty and rude. And Uncle Frank being a cockface. Of course. Notice, later, who isn’t in the final family scene.
• The Little Nero’s idiot, 2-for-2 on knocking over the statue.
• Props to the movie for giving new life to The Drifters’ “White Christmas.”
• Catherine O’Hara is talking about selling her soul to The Devil. I mean, I am not the devil…but I could be for sale. To the right actress. Call me?
Little factoid: Candy filmed all of his scenes for this movie in 23 hrs, improvised many of his lines (including the infamous kid-in-the-funeral parlor bit), and did it for $414.
• Yes, Marv and Harry, you are getting scammed by a “Kindie-gartener.” How have you guys been successful burglars again? Stay tuned folks — in Home Alone 2, these two 10W bulbs are gonna escape from jail.
• John Candy offering to Cath to play his clarinet. Only John Candy could make how gross that is the second most memorable thing about that exchange. On the other hand, if Cath offered for me to play her clarinet?…
• Too nice of Kev to include Uncle Frank in his wish list. He had his chance.
• Okay, all the hijinks aside, the real reason I watch this movie is for 1) the family gatherings montage, the 2) the church scene with the old man and 3) the old man laying out the crooks. Pretty strong towards the end and not overdone, any of it.
• Showdown Time: luckily, Kev’s fighting against Tommy DeVito’s way lesser twin.
• Joe Pesci doing his Yosemite Sam routine. Apparently, Pesci not being able to use real swear words was an issue for him during filming. Wonder WTF so?
• My tailbone hurts just watching these idiots hurtle down steps. But nothing beats the glass Christmas ornaments on the bare feet.
• During the slide-for-life is when you remember John Williams wrote the soundtrack. Perfect for that moment.
• Nothing like two middle-aged, not-in-shape dudes deciding to cross a rope instead of going around on the ground. Kevin definitely had help here.
• Kev leaving out carrots for Santa — the kid’s even health-conscious!
• “But I did leave one at a funeral parlor once.” JOHN. FRANKLIN. CANDY! Little factoid: Candy filmed all of his scenes for this movie in 23 hrs, improvised many of his lines (including the infamous kid-in-the-funeral parlor bit), and did it for $414.
• The final scene with Kev and his mom is very well done. Luckily, Kevin had time to clean up the entire house (minus Buzz’s room, apparently) in one day — it would’ve taken me five. Six.
• Perfect final scene with the Old Man. Yep, I’m a total sucker for that stuff.
Yes, endings matter. Four-and-a-Half Trees.
Next: Ace Ventura, Christmas Ghost Detective.
