Safety and Gender Expression
We are ourselves when we feel safe and secure.
I’ve moved to a different country. It’s been a heavy lift that’s taken months to execute- and I’ll only be here for six months.
I find myself reflecting on why Mira feels so far away. It’s like she’s taken a step back, fading into a blurred background of my life’s movie.
I brought clothing, makeup, my wig and breast forms with me on this trip- but despite seeing plenty of trans women on the street, I feel little need to dress and get out. It’s not like I’ll bump into someone I know… I don’t know anyone here.
So what is it? Is it the novelty of a new place? Is it maslow’s hierarchy of needs manifesting in real time? Is self-actualization hard to attain a week into my journey? I suppose that makes sense.
Ultimately I think it’s fear.
When I reflect upon this further, I find that it’s easier to keep the clothes in the closet and not express this part of me. I can go about my day, go hiking, cycling and exploring without worry. I can just exist as my masculine self — unconcerned with being clocked, judged or called out for being different. It makes it easy.
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But I also think about Seattle. Dating B, and feeling so safe and secure- seen and accepted — that it was easy for me to want to explore that side of myself more. Being seen, not as an other, but as a person makes Mira want to come out and express herself.
… and express herself she did. Shopping for clothes, trying on new wigs, practicing makeup, going out on the town and dancing… she was manifesting and growing.
I also reflect on these last 2 years in the US. I am very thankful for the election we just had- but I know it will take years- possibly decades- to undo the damage done by Trump and his anti-trans targeting.
This is the part that bothers me the most- because while I personally may not have the level of dysphoria compelling me to become feminine, I know plenty of people who do.
If acceptance and a feeling of safety is what people need to be authentic, then my heart breaks for those out there who live in fear and are forced to stay in their closet. It’s cruel, unnecessary and mean spirited. I want nothing more for people to walk a different path than I did. Everyone deserves happiness.
For me- I have no idea where to go with this. Maybe I’ll head back to my apartment and dress as Mira to see how it feels- but I really just don’t know anymore. It feels alien and performative.
I do wish for connection, for acceptance and love in my life though. It’s hard to be alone at times. I wonder whether Mira would come back if I found safety in this way- and how a future partner would react to that.
It feels so complicated.
