Eldest Daughter Crashout
I didn’t really understand the extent to which I avoid the feeling of being challenged and doing hard things until I was on the last quarter mile uphill stretch of a 30 mile 3000 ft elevation gain bike ride. I wanted to quit, I literally fell off my bike, holding back tears. Like, very dramatically. I didn’t want my boyfriend to see me cry because my legs hurt and the bike ride was “too hard”. I don’t often find myself in these situations. Mainly because I avoid them on purpose. I only do things I’m confident I can do. Things I know won’t challenge me or make me look stupid. Once I lose confidence, I just give up before I’m even faced with the anger, frustration, and angst of being challenged. There’s many possible causes for this behavior. Former gifted child, parentified eldest daughter, dating a youngest son, child of divorce, eldest daughter of a youngest daughter, intellectually gifted in a small rural town. Who knows, probably, no definitely, a little bit of all of those.
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I’ve ended up in this place where everything feels kind of hard but nothing is challenging, and it’s my own personal hell.
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