Cube
For a really long time the existence of duality has troubled me. But as I grew up, I realised there are multiverses. When I say 'multiverses', I don't mean like the ones mentioned in quantum physics. All I am trying to say is that any given situation can have different sides, like a cube, and I can't look at the situation all at once, entirely. This is an itch I can't scratch because I won't ever know the truth of the situation. I won’t ever know what has exactly happened. I won’t ever be able to gauge the gap between my understanding of the situation and the reality. At once I can only see 3 sides of the cube, but what about the other sides?
Now some of you might say, 'What are you even going on about?’
That a situation isn’t 3D as it seems to be. The 3 sides that I am looking at are also a projection of my mind. So necessarily, the 3 sides that I can actually see might not be true either. It can just be a well-constructed illusion that has been imagined to such an extent that it seems real.
Now if you say, ‘It’s not that deep.’ Well, I am glad it’s not deep for you because, trust me, you wouldn’t want to be in my head. I fortunately or unfortunately don't look at things in 3D. It is that deep for me. A 4th or 5th or even 6th dimension is broken every now and then. You can move on from the rest of the article but thanks for reading it till here :)
Anyway, I could go around the situation to look at the other sides, but the situation isn’t really a cube in reality. It can be any shape really. It can have as many sides as it wants to… and my mind isn’t capable enough to comprehend it. Because, well, the mind is just a construct of what I have carried from my past, from people around, from books, from movies, from almost everything that my senses could sense around me. I didn’t even have control over what stuck to my mindset and what didn't. So basically using the mind as a medium to look at a situation is in itself a road to failure. A road that should eventually lead me to the truth of the situation that’s been bugging my soul.
It isn’t black and white; it’s grey. But existing in the grey makes me anxious because I want to know the precise amount of black & white used to get this particular shade of grey. And I know it is almost impossible to be able to figure that out. The 'almost' is what bums me out. Why can’t it be completely impossible? Because nothing really is 100% in the universe. There is always a 0.00001% germ that exists, and of course, if a human being focuses on that, she is bound to go nuts.
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It’s so strange that 10 people who would go on a trip will live 10 different realities of the same trip at the same time. And all 10 are at the same time, true!? A trip is a very basic example because it is a joyous gathering. But what I am trying to talk of is a situation that can change the lives of the people involved in it. A situation that wasn’t welcomed by any of them but that they had to be a part of, and now each of them has their own version of it.
People who don’t really think like me, look at things the way I do, deal with life in the same way like I deal with it and can be okay with existing in darker shades of grey are, in my opinion, quite lucky. They walk out of it like nothing has really happened. And all my life – in all such situations I didn’t quite really want to belong to – has left an impact on me in such a way that I had started hating my mind, that I had started hating the way I look at things, that I had started hating the way I absorb feelings, and that I had started hating my sensitivity.
I hated myself to such an extent that I wanted to borrow lenses from others just to see how life looked for them. But that’s not technically possible. And it’s not possible otherwise, until — unless I am ready to kill my mind. But that’s not technically possible either because then I would have to cease existing. Trust me, I have tried from all my being to not be myself because then life would have been easier for me and for the people around me. But I have learnt it the hard way through life itself that that isn’t possible.
I have learnt in a tragically beautiful way that I am meant to be here as I am. I am allowed to look at things in a non-3D way. I am allowed to take things as sensitively as I want to. I am allowed to care about the other sides, and it doesn’t matter whether I will learn what the other sides are because caring is life, looking is life, sensitivity is life, laughing is life, crying is life, and there is depth in life. Just the amount of it differs from one person to another.
I matter, and so does someone else who doesn’t share the same lens as mine. And this realisation made me breathe more freely; it helped me come to terms with the fact that multiple sides to the same situation can coexist at the same time. It showed me how nothing actually is ever really true. And, since there is no one truth, I can be the way I want to be.
