Untitled #4
It’s been three months since I stepped into college, and I still remember how unfamiliar everything felt at the beginning. New people, new places, new routines, and so many things I had yet to explore. I was excited, of course, but I was also carrying the quiet fear of being far away from the people I loved — the people who made me feel comfortable, understood, and welcome.
I thought maybe college would be my chance to start over. To meet new people, build new friendships, and slowly create a home somewhere unfamiliar. I didn’t expect everything to be easy, but I at least hoped I would find people who would make the adjustment a little less lonely.
And guess what?
Three months in, and I’m already going through some hell shit.
I’ve been dealing with classmates who mock me, make fun of me, and treat my kindness like something they can use against me. And honestly, I’m still trying to understand why.
For what? For being too kind? Too nice? For trying to be friendly?
I genuinely don’t know.
I’ve been doing nothing but trying to get along with them. I congratulated them after we made it through our midterm exams because I was happy for them. I wanted to celebrate the little victories we shared as classmates. I thought maybe those small gestures would help me get closer to them, or at least make the environment feel a little more comfortable.
Instead, I ended up being mocked in Kapampangan — a language I couldn’t understand.
And that feeling is difficult to explain.
Imagine trying to be friendly with people, only to realize they might be laughing at you while you’re standing there, completely unaware of what they’re saying. You smile because you don’t know what else to do, but somewhere inside, you’re already wondering whether you should have just kept quiet.
I know this might sound like I’m being an attention seeker. Maybe someone reading this would think I’m making a big deal out of something small. But I’m not writing this because I want everyone to feel sorry for me. I’m writing this because I’m genuinely trying to understand what I’ve done wrong.
If I made a mistake, I want to know. If I offended someone, I want to understand. But if I’ve been nothing but kind to them, why does it feel like kindness is the very thing they’re using to make me feel small?
That’s the part I can’t seem to wrap my head around.
And then there was the mall incident.
After classes, I went out with my new friends. We went to MUJI to look around, check out some things, and enjoy a little time together outside school. For a while, it felt nice. Normal, even. The kind of ordinary afternoon I had hoped college would give me.
One of my friends suggested that we take a group mirror photo.
Of course, I joined.
I stood with them, smiled at the camera, and let myself be part of the moment. Nothing complicated. Just a simple picture with people I was beginning to consider my friends.
The next day, I opened Instagram like it was any other normal day. I liked a few posts, watched some stories, and scrolled without thinking too much about anything.
Then I stumbled upon one of my friend’s stories.
It was the mirror selfie from MUJI.
Except… not exactly.
I was cropped out.
:)
I stared at it for a moment, trying to convince myself that maybe it was accidental. Maybe the picture looked better that way. Maybe there was some completely harmless explanation.
And honestly, maybe there was.
But when you’ve already been feeling excluded from the beginning, even small things like that start to feel heavier than they probably should.
It wasn’t just the picture.
It was the pattern.
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The feeling that I’m there, but not really included. That I’m part of the group when it’s convenient, but somehow always a little outside of it. That I keep trying to make memories with people who don’t seem to notice when I’m missing from them.
At this point, I don’t even know if I should consider them my friends.
And that’s a painful thing to admit.
Because I wanted them to be.
I wanted to have people I could hang out with after classes, people I could laugh with, people I could message without overthinking whether I was bothering them. I wanted college to feel like a place where I could belong.
Instead, I’ve found myself sitting somewhere alone, my stupid wired earphones in, listening to the same song that’s been on loop for the past few minutes, while everyone else seems to be having the kind of college experience I thought I would have.
And the worst part is that I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with that feeling.
Should I confront them? Should I ask what I did wrong? Should I just stop trying?
I don’t want to make a big scene. I don’t want to accuse anyone of something I can’t fully prove. But I also don’t want to keep pretending that everything feels fine when it doesn’t.
I used to believe that being nice was a way of opening doors. That if I treated people well, they would eventually see that I was only trying to be a good friend. I didn’t expect everyone to like me, but I thought kindness would at least make it easier to find common ground.
Now I’m realizing that kindness doesn’t always make people kinder in return.
And that hurts.
Not because I think I’m entitled to friendship, but because I was genuinely trying. I was trying to adjust. I was trying to belong. I was trying to make this unfamiliar place feel a little less unfamiliar.
Maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling so exhausted lately. It’s not just the classes, the assignments, or the pressure of college. It’s the constant feeling of having to figure out where I stand with people. Wondering whether I can be myself without becoming someone’s joke. Wondering whether I should speak, stay quiet, smile, or simply keep my distance.
I hate that I’ve started questioning my own personality because of how other people treat me.
I know I can be talkative. I know I can be cheerful. I know I can be a little weird sometimes, and honestly, I like that about myself. But lately, I’ve been wondering if I should tone everything down just to avoid giving people another reason to make fun of me.
And I don’t want to become someone who has to constantly apologize for existing.
I don’t want to stop being kind just because some people don’t know how to appreciate it. But I also don’t want to keep forcing myself into spaces where I’m made to feel unwelcome.
Maybe that’s the lesson I’m slowly learning.
I can be kind without making everyone my friend. I can be friendly without constantly trying to earn someone’s approval. And I can accept that not every environment is going to feel like home, no matter how much effort I put into making it one.
I’m still figuring out what to do with all of this. I’m still learning how to handle people who make me uncomfortable, how to protect my peace, and how to recognize when I’m trying too hard to fit somewhere I don’t belong.
But I also know that I deserve to be treated with respect.
I deserve classmates who can disagree with me without mocking me. People who can laugh with me without making me the punchline. People who don’t make me feel like I have to earn the right to be included.
And if I don’t find those people immediately, I’ll have to remind myself that it doesn’t mean I’m unlikable. It doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong. Sometimes, people simply choose to treat others badly, and that is not something I have to carry as a reflection of my worth.
Three months into college, I’m still far from having everything figured out. I’m still adjusting to the new environment, still missing the people who make me feel at home, and still trying to understand what kind of life I’m building here.
But I’m learning something important: I don’t have to force myself to fit into every room I enter.
Maybe I’ll find my people eventually. Maybe I’ll discover places where I can laugh freely, talk too much, and be my usual ridiculous self without feeling like I’m being judged for it.
And until then, I’ll keep exploring, keep learning, and keep reminding myself that being kind was never the problem.
The problem was expecting everyone to treat kindness with the same care I would.
I’m still going to be kind.
Just a little more careful about who I give my energy to.
Some people throw stones at what they cannot understand;
keep growing anyway, even where their shadows fall.
-Cerelina Francheska
