I Was Comfortable in Hell
I was comfortable in hell but couldn’t face my demons,
Fed them lust and liquor, baptized them in reasons.
Slept beside my sorrow, told myself it healed,
But the peace I prayed for was pain concealed.
I was afraid of my children seeing me broken,
So I moved above reproach, left words unspoken.
Built my pride like armor, hid behind my role,
But discipline means nothing when you’ve lost your soul.
I smiled through damnation and called it surviving,
Told God I’d change when the storm quit rising.
But I loved the fire how it burned just right,
Made me feel alive in the dead of night.
I kissed through silence, I fucked through shame,
Both of us pretending we forgot the names.
Every moan a prayer, every lie a creed,
Two sinners sharing guilt we refused to bleed.
I called it passion when it felt like penance,
Confused desire’s spark with divine repentance.
Played the saint, played the fraud,
Built altars out of every flawed facade.
We played house in ruins, smiled for the screen,
Posted our ghosts to keep the world serene.
Behind every photo, a fight to the bone,
Two people together, utterly alone.
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I traded honesty for peace, peace for control,
Thought I could fix others while I lost my soul.
I blamed her for lying, she blamed me for leaving,
But truth is.. we both found comfort in deceiving.
Then came the quiet, no more pretending,
No more sins dressed up as mending.
In the ashes, I met the man I’d buried,
Carrying a cross I was never meant to carry.
I found God, but not in a church’s hand,
He was in the mirror, asking where I stand.
He was in my kid’s voice when I told the truth,
In my daughter’s strength, untainted by youth.
He was in the nights I chose not to run,
In forgiving myself for what I’d done.
He was in the dirt, in the debt, in the doubt,
In the moment I stopped trying to figure it out.
Now heaven’s not a place I seek,
It’s a heartbeat steady when my knees feel weak.
It’s peace without performance, faith without show,
A light that asks nothing but to let it grow.
I was comfortable in hell, but I finally left home,
Carved my name in the ashes, stood alone.
And if grace is a flame, then I let it burn deep
Because the truth only hurts the ones who want to sleep.
A.R Smith
