Engaged and Ambivalent
An underdiscussed reason for the high divorce rate is that after the engagement is announced, it feels like the train has left the station and its momentum is building. It’s hard to stop the train: Picked are the venue, food, music, officiant, and guest list. It’s additionally difficult to stop the train if the invitations have been sent — “Never mind” would be embarrassing.
Yet quietly or not, some of the to-be-betrothed have doubts. If expressed to friends and family, doubts are typically brushed off with, for example, “It’s natural to have cold feet.”
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But sometimes, feet are cold for a reason: declining sex life, more arguments, no-biggies revealed as bigger when infatuation’s fog has lifted.
How do you decide whether to pull the train’s emergency cord? Ask yourself this. Perhaps ask your fiancée to do the same.
Project six months after you’re married. Some couples get happier or at leat not worse after the wedding. Others change — Now that they “hitched,” it’s easier to take the other person for granted. That could manifest in, for example, weight gain, reversion to bad habits, selfishness or disinterest in sex or in kindness. Or it could be more ineffable: In a relationship’s beginning, you’re eager to see or even just get a text from each other. It bodes well if the eagerness remains or diminishes just modestly— It’s hard to maintain the intensity of a new relationship. So, as you mull the above, would the Wise One within you proceed? In other words, would you be wiser to marry, defer for a while, or remain single, at least for now?
I read this aloud on YouTube.
Marty Nemko is a personal coach. He’s also the author of 36 books including Relationship Stories. You can reach him at mnemko@gmail.com
