Ketchup vs Rub
A short-short story
“I can’t believe I’m eliminated and you’re a finalist: canned cranberries, beer, powdered onion soup, and KETCHUP!?”
I was jealous but also thought she was cute. I kinda expected her to blow me off with a bubble from that gum that seemed her signature feature, like Communist Bertoldt Brecht who came from wealth, but, for effect, always wore a prole get-up.
But she smiled and scoffed, “I can’t believe you’d waste two days rubbing a brisket with crazy-expensive, locally grown, organic herbs in extra virgin olive oil and mountain spring water. And you lost, lost to my recipe of Old Milwaukee beer, Lipton powdered onion soup mix, and store-brand ketchup!
I said, “Maybe I need further education. While we’re waiting for the judges’ decision, wanna get a beer, say, an Old Milwaukee?
She said, “Still 69 cents a can at WalMart. Let’s just walk — I don’t want to have to go on a GLP.
After just a few steps, the voice came from the PA: “The votes are in!”
Ketchup won. (sigh) She flounced up to get her trophy from the sponsor, the owner of the frou-frou barbecue place: The Upscale Pig. He gushed, “So, what was the winning recipe?!” She told him, he blanched, I caught her eye, and mouthed, “Lie.”
She said, “Just kidding.” and described my recipe, the rub in detail. The guy relaxed and gave her her trophy.
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She strutted from the podium and said to me, “Thanks. Silly status. Want to go out to the Upscale Pig or Jack in the Box?”
- *****
My wife actually makes this beer, soup-mix,-and-ketchup recipe to raves and yes, it won first place over frou-frou Napa recipes. And it was made in our regular kitchen oven, not a fancy Weber. Here’s the recipe:
2 pounds brisket of beef, sprinkled with salt, pepper, and garlic powder
1/2 envelope dried onion soup mix
1/2 can beer. (Cheap brands like Old Milwaukee are fine.)
1/4 cup ketchup (She does use Heinz.)
1/4 of an 8-ounce can of whole-berry cranberry sauce
Put brisket in baking pan. Mix the ingredients and pour over the brisket. Cover and bake at 350 until fork-tender — Maybe 2 1/2 hours. Remove from oven; allow to cool. Slice meat and return to pan with gravy from which the fat has been removed. When ready to serve, heat at 350, covered. Serves 3 to 4. (It can be made a day or two in advance and reheated, no prob.)
I read this aloud on YouTube.
Marty Nemko is a career and personal coach, and author of 36 books including Starting-Out Stories. You can reach him at mnemko@gmail.com
