On Disclosing
We all hide things about ourselves.
We may feel stupid or like an imposter. To hide it, we may try talking less and asking more. Less successfully, we may try to use big words and complicated sentences, or just talk a lot. But smart people usually see through those as the ploys they are.
In recent years, we seem more reluctant to share unpopular political views. We may profess tolerance but tend to shun those with views much different from ours. Think about it — Would you date someone from a different political party? A majority of Gen Zer’s wouldn’t.
No surprise, most people don’t trumpet that they stole from their employer, or cheated in college, on their partner, or on their taxes. But when feeling close to someone, perhaps while under the influence, you reveal something, which could be used against you, for example, “You’re accusing me of withholding information from you? Well, you did worse: “You stole from the company.” Retribution can be serious. For example, if you admit that you cheat on your taxes, the person can report you to the IRS.
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Other examples: hiding your money in a divorce proceeding, not admitting you committed that crime, claiming injury on the job because you’re tired of working, falsely accusing a rich guy of paternity to get your hands on his wallet for 18+ years, or making a false claim against Medicare/Medicaid, fraud that costs the taxpayer $100 billion each year.
Many people hide physical or mental problems. For example, they may try to hide ADHD or a sexually transmitted disease. A disabled job applicant might not disclose it until after being hired, at which point s/he demands accommodations under the Americans with Disabilities Act. Older people may not disclose, even to close friends, a serious disease. They might hide their declining memory, for example, “Oh, I deliberately didn’t take care of that. I had other priorities. I’ll do it now.”
In an attempt to get you to disclose, a person might wait until you’re under the influence, then ask probing questions, or even make a minor disclosure to get you to make a bigger one.
Candor can yield catharsis and closer relationships, but it does come with risk. Decide what to say and to who, with both eyes open.
I read this aloud on YouTube.
Marty Nemko is a career and personal coach, and author of 36 books including Secrets. You can reach him at mnemko@gmail.com
