Toward Behavior Change
Changing another person’s behavior is a series of risk-reward decisions.
Should you? Whether or not the person asked you for help, based on your track record together, how likely is s/he to welcome it, act on it, benefit from it?
From here on, let’s use a specific, what should the person do about a relationship s/he’s complained about.
Ask permission? It’s safer to ask, “Feel like talking about your relationship?” The art is in knowing whether that’s wise or if it unreasonably gives the person an out.
How to couch? The default is to try to get a solution to come from the person, thereby preserving their self-esteem, for example, “I’m wondering, what your thoughts are on whether and how to improve the relationship, accept it as-is, or leave?” But occasionally, directness is wiser, “You’ve been unhappy in the relationship for a long time. Is it time to leave?”
Press? If you get a neutral or negative response, it may be wise to not push further. The person may view this as the wrong time, be too embarrassed to talk about it, or think you’re not the right person. But sometimes, it’s wise to press on, for example, “I know it’s a difficult topic, but you’ve implied you’re pretty unhappy and maybe it’s worth talking about it. Wanna tell me what’s going through your head and your heart?”
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Offer a suggestion? That carries two risks: You don’t understand the situation as well as the person, so your idea could be wrong. Also, it disempowers the person, implying that you think they’re incapable of dealing with it. But if the person wants to talk about it but seems stuck, it’s often appropriate to face-savingly suggest something. Sample queries:
“You’ve complained about her spending. Have you tried enough things to quell it, for example, respectful listening to each other about specific items, which she or even you might generalize from? What do you think?”
Another example:
“You’ve complained about things about him that seem hard-wired or difficult to change. For example, you’re frustrated with how lazy and unintelligent he is, how insistent he’s right when he’s not smart enough to know he’s wrong. Is it a serious enough problem that you should make a long-term commitment to trying to help him improve? Accept him as is? Or contemplate leaving? What do you think?”
Bill Marriott founder of Marriott Hotels said that the four most important words in the English language are, “What do you think?”
Follow-up? Sometimes no follow-up is needed. Other times, it’s wise to stay silent to see if more is forthcoming. If the person responds and you have a counter that you think is likely enough to justify risking the person seeing you as pushy, it’s safest to, again, couch it as a question, for example, “Is there an area in which his laziness is a particular problem?” Another softener is to ask the person to say the pros and cons of two or three options, for example, “Do you want to lay out the pros and cons of staying or leaving?” Especially if you’re more ideationally fluent than the person, you might try “the lawyer game.” For example, “Pretend I’m two lawyers. I’ll make the best case I can for why you should stay. Then I’ll become the other lawyer and say why you should leave. Then you be the judge.”
Turn up your emotional intelligence. You could be on dangerous ground when wanting to give advice. Many people resent it, especially if not asked for. Or they’ll yes-but you to death and, unconsciously, would rather fail than adopt something “not invented here.” Use your emotional intelligence to know when to stop.
In those choices lie the art of trying to change someone. Of course, even when well-executed, it may not work, but it’s the best I’ve got.
Honestly, I’m often too impatient to do all that. Sometimes, I just blurt out, “I’m wondering if you should do X?” How about you?
I read this aloud on YouTube
Marty Nemko is a career and personal coach, and author of 36 books including How to Do Life. You can reach him at mnemko@gmail.com
