Trusting
Advice to the naive
You can trust me, well, sort of. I’ve been around the block, and in the confidentiality of my practice, I’ve heard a lot. Here are thoughts on trust for the naive and maybe even for you.
If it’s an important issue, give the person the expediency test. From past experience, how likely is the person to do the right thing when it’s inexpedient?
Here are my rule-of-thumbs for categories of people:
Family. Parents then siblings are most likely to be trustworthy. But even close family members have betrayed. If in doubt, consider their track record with you.
Friends. The longer-standing and closer the relationship, the more trustworthy.
Strangers. If it’s unimportant, no biggie but if it is important, for example, someone selling you a big-ticket item, you might try, “I sense you’ll be honest with me. What do you think is a fair price for this?” (a repair, a car, even a home.) People tend to live up to expectations.
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Healthcare providers. Some of them are scared of patient pushback if they’re too honest or not honest enough. If you feel you could handle bad news, tell the provider, “I’d rather hear it straight, whether it’s good news or bad.”
Some mental health providers infuse their biases, even the political, in statements and recommendations, for example, subtly disparaging right-of-center ideas. More often, it’s about treatment modality. For example, some swear by cognitive-behavioral approaches, others by spirituality, others by processing trauma. Again, your common sense may be wise. For example, is revisiting what your parent did to you likely improve your life now?
Bias may not stop at the provider’s door.
Teachers, including professors. More than ever in my lifetime, many teachers view their job not just to educate but indoctrinate. So, take teachers and the media (which also teach, some would say brainwash), with grains of salt. Trusting your common sense can be as valid as trusting teachers.
A note about any teachers you pay: They have an incentive to be positive — You’re more likely to keep paying. For example, “I could see you making a living as a singer.” Make your decision more on people who pay you than on people you pay. What’s your track record on getting paid sufficiently for your creative output?
Clerics. The media seems to present every cleric as sleeping with boys but most clerics are trustworthy as long as you recognize that the presence of God is far from a sure thing.
You can trust a plant. Per the song from the show, The Fantasticks, “Plant a radish, get a radish, never any doubt.”
Personally speaking, some claim it takes a village but I’ve had better results in mainly trusting myself. After all, millions of Germany’s citizens supported Hitler and his genocide of the Jewish people. That helps me realize that many people have the potential to do or at least condone evil. I tend to follow the rule of thumb offered by my dad: Respect but suspect.
I read this aloud on YouTube.
Marty Nemko is a career and personal coach, holds a Ph.D. in educational psychology from Berkeley, and is the author of 34 books including How to Do Life and A Dose of Reality. You can reach him at mnemko@gmail.com
