How to deal with “Thanatophobia” (Death Anxiety)
How this “Thanatophobia” shifted me towards becoming a goal-oriented person.
When I was 22, I lost my beloved uncle in Saudi Arabia; at that time, he had 2 small kids: one was 5 years old, and the other was 7 years old. His family was packing up the things for their Saudi tour. When they were about to catch their flight, they found out that Uncle suddenly had a heart attack, and he died the next minute. It was so shocking to his family, and we were in total trauma. That situation impacted me very deeply; it felt like my mind was totally shattered by how a person can die at the last minute when he has dreams with his family.
That incident shook my entire body; I could not accept that everyone has to go at any minute. Suddenly, my body start shivering that it would be me next. At that time, I was losing my mind and crying very badly. My family came to me and said what happened. I said to them that I was going to die in the next hour, and my mother told me to recite Ayat ul Kursi repeatedly (Quranic Verses to destroy evil thoughts and for safety). I was threatened by listening to my mother because, mostly in our religion, we always recite these verses for safety; I was thinking that my mother told me this, so now I will surely die.
Day after day, I was thinking that it could be any moment now. After a month, I met a friend, and I asked him, “Will you come to my funeral?”. He said to me Are you mad?? I said, " No, actually, I will die next month”. He said These things are only in our Lord's hands, so put your heart at ease; every person will go. I said No it will be first, he said the magical thing, “If something doesn't work, go to sleep”, he added I think you haven't gone to sleep properly. Somehow, he was right; I couldn’t sleep well for the last month. I said, “Yes, maybe”. He said, “Go to sleep! You will be fine”.
At that time, it worked like a medicine; the more I got good sleep, the more I got relaxed, but after 2 weeks I experienced hypnic jerks (shocks at night from high anxiety). At that time, I was unable to sleep after 2 a.m. These things impacted my entire academic journey; I fell from a 3.8 CGPA to a 2.82 CGPA, and my extracurricular activities were affected a lot.
At that time, I decided that, as I have to go back to my Lord, why not repent to him completely? One night, I woke up with a hypnic jerk again. I made Wudu (A process to purify ourselves for prayer) and prayed to the Almighty and asked him to forgive me, as I had made a lot of mistakes. I was crying like a baby because I did not have enough good deeds to enter the heavens.
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After that, I worked hard for my good deeds, I was asking for forgiveness from my Lord. You know what happened next? My Lord put my heart at ease. He sent like-minded people to me and removed all the negativity inside me. As my Lord says in the Quran, “Allah promises that seeking forgiveness causes Him to send abundant rain, increase you in wealth and children, and provide gardens and rivers”. Everything in this world looked like an easy task for me.
I got selected for Google Developer Student Clubs as a Club Lead. I got selected as President of the Rotaract Club. I got selected for a scholarship. Now I am in England pursuing my Master's in Computer Science.
The person who was not able to sleep properly; his Lord rewarded him with the things which he could not even imagine.
The only mantra is “Trust your Lord, trust your creator, repent to him, and you will be free from every anxiety, depression, and any future problem.”
