Never Good Enough

Ever since I was little I have always felt I was never good enough. I suppose it started from when I was little and the fact my mother did not raise me. As growing up I wondered why I was not with my mother. Not that my grandmother was not wonderful but a child always wants their mother. I had a wonderful childhood however in the back of my mind I had self doubt about myself because if your own mother did not think you were important enough to stop what she was doing because you were being born then who else in life would ever think you were important enough for them. When you think that way then you act that way so you always tend to becoming second or third in everything you do. Instead of making varsity you make Jr. varsity if you get picked at all. When I was of age to date I picked the guys that nobody else wanted to date because I knew I would get them to ask me out so I felt as if I was first in someone picking. All my friends would be getting married and I was always a bridesmaid never a bride. The feeling I had most of my life was self doubt however you would never know it because I would keep a smile on my face to hide the pain of not being raised with my mother. Some of my family members tell me you had a great childhood I do agree even though I still to this day wonder what would it had been like if I was raised by my mother. I still feel like I am not good enough when I go to apply for jobs or when I am dating someone then they decide they want to date someone else I often question why cant I be the one they pick over someone else. I try everything to make myself better. I read to keep up with current events, I try the new styles, makeup and etc. Even though I get compliments and have a great deal of friends in the back of my mind I feel I am not good enough. It is funny how things from your childhood can haunt you for the rest of your life unless you do not allow them to hold you hostage like I have. The purpose of me even writing is to open the door to my closet so nothing can hold me hostage anymore. I can not explain why I am waiting until my life is almost over to want to let all my fears, self doubt and weakness exposed to everyone. I feel like I can not hold onto them anymore or just I have been through so much I have learned and matured. It is really sad to this very day and this very second I feel like I am not good enough.